I’m making more money so I have to go back to work, but I’m also unhappy with the weekly routine and don’t like feeling like a worker bee. We share the domestic work fairly even if I work elsewhere and he doesn’t, but that’s not even really what bothers me. Taking alternating and intermittent breaks won’t really build a career for us, so what if neither of us wants to be the breadwinner?
Anonymous: Welcoming you to one of the least exclusive clubs ever?
And get back to work, at least for now, knowing that it’s serving the family you’ve built, and I mean both of you, because caring for two young children is work.
Then, at your own pace, rethink more broadly what you both do for a living, where you live, and how cheaply you can live while 1. giving your children a healthy start and 2. giving yourself mutually a standard of living that’s not so tight that it’s stressful. Start asking and answering bigger questions: why is it important to “build a career?” More money, more satisfaction, more purpose? Do these reasons outweigh the benefits of taking alternating and intermittent breaks?
This is an individual response that demands a national overhaul, because so much of what is happening in the economy, politics and public health is tied to the realities of working to support ourselves, as well as burnouts and the resulting inequalities. But for now, you both need to figure out which professional directions to take and how to allocate your resources. Big picture. It’s more work in the short term, but well worth it, I predict.
To: Worker bee: Have you heard of the FIRE — Financial Independence Retire Early — movement? You’re not alone, and there are great resources within the community to optimize your work-expense-cost-of-living arithmetic.
Dear Caroline: Yesterday my husband did something unquestionably thoughtless and I felt it showed a profound disrespect for my time. I was stunned at the time, but I picked it up last night and calmly explained that my feelings were hurt.
My husband shrugged and said they shouldn’t be. That was his whole answer. I am now more livid than before and can hardly look at him. I would have been okay with “Sorry, I hurt your feelings. It wasn’t intentional.” But now I feel like he’s doubled down on his disrespect for me. Where do we go from here?
Livid: Walk, work, and exercise as much as you can, using that time to think about it, then get back out there. “I’m still mad at [the thoughtless thing], and I took your answer last night as telling me how I “should” feel. I would like to understand this from your point of view.
See what he has to say. And if that’s not all right with you, then say, “That’s not all right with me.” And explain as calmly as possible the message you are getting from him, including how careless he is that you are being disturbed. You can’t change his behavior for him, but you can demonstrate its impact (and turn it into advice). Good luck.
