I began to heal by going to therapy and researching this disorder. I’m so tempted to not go to my brother’s wedding, but I also feel like that’s not right either. My siblings and I never talked about it. I don’t think they know she has a mental illness.
I’m afraid my mother will create drama and blame me while victimizing herself. That’s what she’s always done. I’m losing sleep over it and the wedding invitations haven’t even been sent out yet. What should I do?
Be fed up: You should work with your therapist to assess your own risk if you attend this wedding. Children raised by “borderline” or NPD parents are always on alert. The extreme instability and truly frightening experiences of childhood can affect all of your other relationships.
My own advice is to work on your own boundaries and, most importantly, provide an “escape hatch” for any encounter with your mother. This marriage is not the place to try to educate your siblings about your mother’s suspected disorder.
Dear Amy: We recently celebrated Easter with our families. My husband and I have a precocious 7 year old daughter who we love very much. But any holiday or occasion where treats or gifts are involved seems to bring out the worst in her. She tears up her presents or treats and immediately starts complaining that there are none left. I am really fed up. I’m thinking of ending the abundance by virtually not attending at all on “in-between” occasions like Valentine’s Day and Easter, and really reducing the quantity at Christmas, but I’m not sure that’s the right answer .
My husband and I agreed to let you intervene.
Mother: First of all, for many people around the world, Easter is not an “in-between” occasion, but an important religious holiday, and I think that careful and discreet education about what these holidays are supposed to celebrate could be useful and interesting for your daughter. Canceling a gift-filled vacation months in advance won’t mean much to a child your daughter’s age; It’s best to respond in the moment to behavior you don’t like.
For example, if you presented an Easter basket full of treats and your daughter tore it apart (common behavior for a child her age) and immediately started complaining that there weren’t any more, you and your husband should express your own disappointment – calmly. and decisively. “Wow, you look very unhappy.” You’ll find lots of goodies there, and if you don’t enjoy them, we’ll take them away until you learn how to enjoy the things right in front of you.
Seven-year-olds are impulsive; it’s a trait that can make kids this age really fun to be around. The downside is that they are still learning to modulate their behavior. Right after disciplining your daughter, once she has calmed down, you should ask her if she understands how her behavior led to this consequence. This Easter, you can also move from a basket full of candy, treats and trinkets to coloring and hunting for eggs and candy, and donating flower seeds, small pots and soil to plant a garden under window.
I agree to reduce considerably. Before any party, you should read stories associated with it, work on a craft project related to it, and review the guidelines for receiving gifts or treats, enjoying what you receive, and expressing your joy and gratitude.
Dear Amy: You asked a question of “The Executor» about a bridesmaid’s brother trying to use his sister’s online RSVP to come to a wedding uninvited, after the sister said she couldn’t attend. Why is this important? It’s not like he’s going to increase the numbers.
Upset: It’s not a question of numbers. The bride and groom must decide exactly who their wedding guests are. Otherwise, we might all be rushing into wedding receptions.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
