My spouse is a saint and none of that bothers them, but it bothers me. My friends just don’t get it, and I don’t want to “educate” them about my condition; It’s private.
In the spirit of inclusion, they push me to hike, bike, go to concerts, the carnival, etc. It is physically impossible for me to do these things, but the pressure is unrelenting. “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t” is never an accepted response. I offered limited explanations, but friends come back with, “You look so healthy. Let’s try.” I like these people, I offer them to have them, or go for a little walk that I can manage, etc. It’s never enough.
It’s starting to feel like a sham to me. Is there a solution here unless I have to fully explain my condition?
— Cancer-free but limited
Cancer-free but limited: I’m here, with bells and my party hat and a tray of snacks, for the idea that our bodies and medical needs are private and no one can decide for us what other people know. Lock as much information as you want for as long as you want.
I’m also here to advocate for anyone under pressure from friends who can’t or won’t drop a case. Your people look exhausting. I am sorry.
But: When we’re the ones suffering from our own information blockages… you lose me a bit there. (I’ll leave the snack tray.)
You don’t have to “educate” anyone, not in depth. But the main beneficiary at this point of a simple summary, “Here’s what I can and can’t do”, would be you. Is not it? So you could have a boring, unwanted conversation instead of an endless procession in every foreseeable future?
I understand that “simple” is in the eye of the beholder, so let’s define it as a synonym for “simple” for our purposes. Tell them your new reality means X, Y and Z – no matter how fabulous you are on the outside.
Tell only a few key friends, if it makes it easier for you.
Tell those key friends one by one, if it makes it easier for you.
Tell them in writing or over the phone, if that makes it easier.
Easier, that is for you. Because that’s the whole point of this exercise. Because your current approach is not working.
I’m not suggesting you tell your friends anything for their benefit (although I imagine they’ll appreciate the clarity), or that you owe them anything. It’s strictly what you owe yourself – and at least from here on it seems like you need to pragmatically rethink your strategy to keep your restrictions to yourself.
