To: Our shareholders and customers
From: You are a CEO
It’s time again to submit your annual Bitcoin report. It’s a real pain and it interferes with our job of buying and selling everything we do all day, but these stupid SEC bureaucrats demand it. First of all, let me proudly say that 2023 has been a great year for us. Oh, sure, there was that insignificant FBI investigation, two congressional hearings, and somehow the International Court of Justice in The Hague got involved – remind me not to hire the Wagner Group again – but things will work out. My trial for embezzlement, mail fraud and witness intimidation is scheduled for next August, but I have hired the legal team used by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, Delay, Derail & Drag out, who has requested a slight postponement of my trial at some point. 2035 or later.
There have been a few inquiries – okay, hundreds – regarding the fluctuation in our stock price. We unveiled our IPO at $400 and it quickly climbed to $1.50, but let’s remember the case of Trump Media & Technology Group Corp., parent company of Truth Social, which opened at around 70 $ per share when it goes public on March 26. But then its profit and loss figures were released. These figures show that last year the company generated just $4 million in revenue – about as much as the average McDonald’s franchise – and lost $58.2 million. Each share is worth (as of today) $26.61. But when Donald Trump is re-elected president, we can expect this business to boom, as will sales of his gold tennis shoes and Bibles.
Due to our somewhat uneven financial situation, I have reshuffled our leadership. Our former treasurer has become a state witness, his accountant is under the federal witness protection program, and our former auditor is missing, along with last quarter’s revenue. I think we can safely say that this is all just politics. For our new COO, I’m trying to recruit a graduate of the Bernie Madoff School of Accounting at Trump University. I also replaced several members of our board of directors. To bring some order and conviviality to our board meetings, I called on Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. She has a record of quiet stability. You may have heard of Sam Banksman-Fried, founder of this cryptocurrency empire FTX. He should join us if his totally unfair 25-year prison sentence for stealing $8 billion from clients was overturned. Come on then. Isn’t Texas the “land of second chances”? What remains on the board are the Bitcoin management experts: my mother, my wife, my three children and Poofy, whose wagging tail and cheerful attitude make us all smile.
In response to recommendations to diversify from the cryptocurrency sector, our Haitian casino and hotel venture did not go as planned, nor did our Ukrainian pizzeria in Moscow, but I am proud to announce the purchase of Sludge Energy Co. . which we purchased at a bargain price following the Baytown refinery explosion and subsequent fire, which unfortunately spread to League City, Pasadena and parts of downtown from Galena Park. I am assured that the lawsuits will soon be resolved without any admission of guilt despite what OSHA experts falsely claim. Furthermore, any connection to the company’s accident at its Amarillo refinery fire that sparked the massive Panhandle fire is pure circumstance. As I explained to EPA inspectors over a three-martini lunch with a few parting gifts, it’s all about jobs — jobs for EMS workers, jobs for lawyers, jobs for funeral homes and the florists who accompany them. They understood. Meanwhile, at the state level, Gov. Greg Abbott blames the fires on illegal immigrants and public schools. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick suspects transgender arsonists.
Some of you are wondering – rather suspiciously, I might add – what is cryptocurrency and what does Bitcoin do? Bitcoin (not Bitcon) is money that isn’t really money. So it’s not like a coin that you can hold, but it’s all on paper, transferred electronically from buyer to seller or back and forth, from here to there. Trust me. Because Bitcoin is pseudonymous, meaning no one knows who owns it, who is selling it, or where it is located, Bitcoin is used by spies, drug lords, and shady government leaders, it has been banned by several countries. Nevertheless, in 2021, El Salvador adopted it as legal tender. No kidding. In real money, that costs $70,549.00 per share. Some investors believe the price will hit $100,000 soon and have already made a fortune. But many economists doubt Bitcoin’s reliability and label it with esoteric financial terms such as “scam,” “worthless” and “magic beans.”
A brief history: Bitcoin was created in 2009 by Satoshi Takemoto, but this is a pseudonym for the person(s) who introduced the concept. Nobody seems to know. In fact, Satoshi Takemoto may be a Japanese war criminal hiding in Argentina. As for what we do, we invest your money in Bitcoins after intense trend investigations, what market experts recommend, and solid and in-depth research. We find Wikipedia very useful in this regard. For the weak skeptics who have decided that the entire Bitcoin industry is nothing more than a slimy Ponzi scheme and want your money back, grab a number and get in line. And for those who actually want to spend their Bitcoins to go shopping and buy something, they say El Salvador is a great time of year.
Coming back to our annual report, following hacks and leaks, we have updated our office equipment to avoid any malfunctions. We therefore distributed a new high-end abacus to each accounting employee. We also have new ribbons for our typewriters. Speaking of our associates (formerly known as serfs, wage slaves, and menials), all is calm on the labor front, thanks to the aforementioned Wagner Group.
Finally, I saved the best news for last: Bitcoin will diversify further. We now sell gold tennis shoes and Bibles.
Ashby sells to [email protected]
To: Our shareholders and customers
From: You are a CEO
It’s time again to submit your annual Bitcoin report. It’s a real pain and it interferes with our job of buying and selling everything we do all day, but these stupid SEC bureaucrats demand it. First of all, let me proudly say that 2023 has been a great year for us. Oh, sure, there was that insignificant FBI investigation, two congressional hearings, and somehow the International Court of Justice in The Hague got involved – remind me not to hire the Wagner Group again – but things will work out. My trial for embezzlement, mail fraud and witness intimidation is scheduled for next August, but I have hired the legal team used by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, Delay, Derail & Drag out, who has requested a slight postponement of my trial at some point. 2035 or later.
There have been a few inquiries – okay, hundreds – regarding the fluctuation in our stock price. We unveiled our IPO at $400 and it quickly climbed to $1.50, but let’s remember the case of Trump Media & Technology Group Corp., parent company of Truth Social, which opened at around 70 $ per share when it goes public on March 26. But then its profit and loss figures were released. These figures show that last year the company generated just $4 million in revenue – about as much as the average McDonald’s franchise – and lost $58.2 million. Each share is worth (as of today) $26.61. But when Donald Trump is re-elected president, we can expect this business to boom, as will sales of his gold tennis shoes and Bibles.
Due to our somewhat uneven financial situation, I have reshuffled our leadership. Our former treasurer has become a state witness, his accountant is under the federal witness protection program, and our former auditor is missing, along with last quarter’s revenue. I think we can safely say that this is all just politics. For our new COO, I’m trying to recruit a graduate of the Bernie Madoff School of Accounting at Trump University. I also replaced several members of our board of directors. To bring some order and conviviality to our board meetings, I called on Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. She has a record of quiet stability. You may have heard of Sam Banksman-Fried, founder of this cryptocurrency empire FTX. He should join us if his totally unfair 25-year prison sentence for stealing $8 billion from clients was overturned. Come on then. Isn’t Texas the “land of second chances”? What remains on the board are the Bitcoin management experts: my mother, my wife, my three children and Poofy, whose wagging tail and cheerful attitude make us all smile.
In response to recommendations to diversify from the cryptocurrency sector, our Haitian casino and hotel venture did not go as planned, nor did our Ukrainian pizzeria in Moscow, but I am proud to announce the purchase of Sludge Energy Co. . which we purchased at a bargain price following the Baytown refinery explosion and subsequent fire, which unfortunately spread to League City, Pasadena and parts of downtown from Galena Park. I am assured that the lawsuits will soon be resolved without any admission of guilt despite what OSHA experts falsely claim. Furthermore, any connection to the company’s accident at its Amarillo refinery fire that sparked the massive Panhandle fire is pure circumstance. As I explained to EPA inspectors over a three-martini lunch with a few parting gifts, it’s all about jobs — jobs for EMS workers, jobs for lawyers, jobs for funeral homes and the florists who accompany them. They understood. Meanwhile, at the state level, Gov. Greg Abbott blames the fires on illegal immigrants and public schools. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick suspects transgender arsonists.
Some of you are wondering – rather suspiciously, I might add – what is cryptocurrency and what does Bitcoin do? Bitcoin (not Bitcon) is money that isn’t really money. So it’s not like a coin that you can hold, but it’s all on paper, transferred electronically from buyer to seller or back and forth, from here to there. Trust me. Because Bitcoin is pseudonymous, meaning no one knows who owns it, who is selling it, or where it is located, Bitcoin is used by spies, drug lords, and shady government leaders, it has been banned by several countries. Nevertheless, in 2021, El Salvador adopted it as legal tender. No kidding. In real money, that costs $70,549.00 per share. Some investors believe the price will hit $100,000 soon and have already made a fortune. But many economists doubt Bitcoin’s reliability and label it with esoteric financial terms such as “scam,” “worthless” and “magic beans.”
A brief history: Bitcoin was created in 2009 by Satoshi Takemoto, but this is a pseudonym for the person(s) who introduced the concept. Nobody seems to know. In fact, Satoshi Takemoto may be a Japanese war criminal hiding in Argentina. As for what we do, we invest your money in Bitcoins after intense trend investigations, what market experts recommend, and solid and in-depth research. We find Wikipedia very useful in this regard. For the weak skeptics who have decided that the entire Bitcoin industry is nothing more than a slimy Ponzi scheme and want your money back, grab a number and get in line. And for those who actually want to spend their Bitcoins to go shopping and buy something, they say El Salvador is a great time of year.
Coming back to our annual report, following hacks and leaks, we have updated our office equipment to avoid any malfunctions. We therefore distributed a new high-end abacus to each accounting employee. We also have new ribbons for our typewriters. Speaking of our associates (formerly known as serfs, wage slaves, and menials), all is calm on the labor front, thanks to the aforementioned Wagner Group.
Finally, I saved the best news for last: Bitcoin will diversify further. We now sell gold tennis shoes and Bibles.
Ashby sells to [email protected]