Ask Amy: I’m ready to leave my group. When do I tell other members?

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dear Amy: A few years ago, I started a rock band with very talented musicians.

We play for fun (not for money), and we’ve played in front of very large crowds.

We have a really big show in a few months, and because my heart is gone and I’ve lived my rock star dream, I know it will be our last.

Should I tell the band before the gig that it’s our last gig, or should I wait until after? I see pros and cons to both.

retired rock: I shared your dilemma with my friend, comedian and musician Adam Felber, co-host of the fun podcast “Dad Band Land”.

Felber and his co-hosts play in a neighborhood cover band.

He answers: “The announcement of your retirement depends on the instrument you play. If you’re a guitarist, I wouldn’t care because there are a lot of you and chances are your replacement is wandering around the garage randomly while you tell the band you’re retiring.

“If you’re a keyboard player like me, don’t worry either, because it could be several months before they notice you’re gone.

“But if you’re the drummer, well, how dare you abandon them!?”

“But seriously, unless you’re the leader and it’s absolutely impossible for the band to continue without you, I would wait a few days after the gig and then tell them you need to take a break for a while.

“Telling them ahead of time may be good for you, but not for the rest of the band. There’s no reason to add that to the vibe. This is your last gig, not ‘The Last Waltz!”

Felber’s podcast co-host and fellow musician Kevin Burke also took on his own sardonic solo: “If you really want this to be a real ‘rock star’ moment, just wait until the very last song and then do a big “resign” announcement. on the microphone to the audience and to the band at exactly the same time.

“Bonus points if you can disappear in a puff of smoke or a giant pillar of fire at the end of the last song.

“Otherwise, I would wait until the end of the show. Let everyone in the group have their last hurray without making it bittersweet. And who knows? You might tip over so hard you’ll change your mind.

dear Amy: My younger brother “Wendell” spoke at our father’s 90th birthday party five years ago in front of 100 people. He kept saying our dad wasn’t there to grow him up, was too busy working to attend all his football games, etc.

This shocked many people there who spoke about it afterwards; my dad was in the early stages of dementia and may not have understood what he said.

About a year later, Wendell told my mother in a phone call that she had some morphine left over from the illness of a sick relative, and he offered to administer it to my father. My mother was shocked and extremely upset.

I then called my brother and told him that his “offer” was immoral, illegal and beyond appropriate. He replied that I was entitled to my “opinion”.

Amy, I was never close to my brother for various reasons, but those two actions were more than I could tolerate. I’m cordial when I see him but I can’t accept his behavior. I understand that he, like many, has issues with his upbringing, but I think this is way beyond “normal”.

Should I “forgive and move on” or are there actions that make a relationship irreparable?

Sister: The way you describe it, your brother is extremely angry and also clings to some dangerous notions – directed at your father.

I agree with you that the actions of “Wendell” as you describe them are intolerable.

In this situation, I vote for understanding and clarity over forgiveness. “Understand” means you must understand that your brother is not trustworthy. You don’t need to consider forgiveness unless he acknowledges and apologizes for his hostile behavior.

He doesn’t seem likely to do so, so you need to be extremely careful, especially when it comes to any attempts to be with your father and/or manipulate your mother.

dear Amy: Your response to “disgusted(“Apparently ‘hot sex’ is the hill I’m willing to die on”) had me laughing out loud after a long, hard day.

Thanks for the laugh, and good for you for standing up for yourself.

Susie: I’m really happy to have delivered a smile.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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