The fact is that I have become very close to my father-in-law and I know that it bothers my father. My FIL and I have the kind of relationship I always wanted to have with my dad. He’s not afraid to hug me or tell me he loves me, he asks me about my work and he loves GN like me and my husband. He supports us both and gives good advice.
I recently got a promotion at work and my FIL was with me throughout the experience. I posted about promotion on social media and thanked him for his advice. Later, my father said to me, “I guess you wish he was your father.” » I assured him that I am happy to have both in my life. My husband thinks my father is petty. It’s not really the case, he’s just hurt.
How can I make my father believe that he is always number one with me and that I appreciate everything he has done for me?
Dad problem: It could be me, my mother and my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law, who gives me the affection and support I could never have counted on from my mother. Like most people raised to be abusive, you unfortunately fall into the misconception that you are responsible for the feelings of others, especially the feelings of the very people who were meant to be. your the biggest cheerleaders and supporters. Notice how, in a moment that should have celebrated you and your success, he made the situation about him. And then notice how your reaction was to defend him and try to make him feel better.
You can’t “do [your] Dad believes anything, and actually you’re not supposed to. You owe your father kindness and respect, as you should anyone. If you can kindly and honestly say, “I love you and appreciate everything you have done for me, and I know you did your best,” that is the sum total of everything you can TO DO. Your relationship with your FIL is none of his business, and it is both loving and fair to set a boundary with your father that this is not up for discussion.
It may also be worth exploring with a therapist the complex tangle of feelings about someone who was suffering and whose best efforts left you vulnerable to abuse. Both things can be true: he did his best, and he didn’t. almost enough. I’m so happy that you have a warm and loving relationship with your FIL and can see the good in your father’s efforts. Please don’t let anything spoil your joy.
Dad problem: I think the more you consider the idea that the two fathers are in some sort of competition, the harder it will be to avoid hurting your father. It sounds like you reacted well in the moment, and now, instead of trying to reassure your dad that he’s number one, think harder and focus on building your relationship with Dad.
Maybe set up a date, whether it’s a phone call, breakfast, a walk in the park, etc. During these meetings, make it your goal to get to know your father better and let him get to know you. Maybe talk about those difficult years growing up, with open-ended, non-accusatory questions to start the conversation. Maybe he has regrets that he’ll feel better about sharing with you. Maybe these deeper conversations won’t go anywhere, but you have a shared history, faith in His love, and His willingness to do anything for you. This is a solid foundation on which to continue to develop your relationship.
In the meantime, it might be tempting to downplay your relationship with your stepfather to your father, but I would just continue to refer to him in conversations in a matter-of-fact way, as you would any other important person in your life . If you go out of your way to avoid discussing him, it will make it seem like a bigger deal than it actually is.
Dad problem: Consider that you may not be able to convince him. Looks like you made it clear that you love them both. He may see this as zero-sum: you love and respect someone Or The other. His damage growing up led to the dysfunction you grew up with, but it may also inform how he views this relationship with your FIL. Sometimes we need to let people be responsible for their own emotions.
Dad problem: If it hasn’t already happened, a real heart to heart between you and your father is necessary. If your father makes such direct statements as “…you wish he were your father,” it seems like this is his way of asking for help to clear the air. You both need to come to terms with the losses you suffered as a child due to your mother’s death and absence for work and financial reasons. Openly sharing with each other about your difficult experiences during this time in your life, how difficult it has been for both of you, without blame, could go a long way toward a new level of connection. It seems like your dad never had the opportunity to be a father like him and you wish he could, but it’s never too late to let him know that you still need and want him in your life.
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
