A: Thanks for writing; I think many people reach a breaking point in their parenting that requires some sort of reevaluation. I guess the “remaining eight” are the 10 year old who turns 18 and leaves the house, so let’s zoom out, then zoom in.
Parenting fatigue is real, and working full-time while parenting can wear us out a lot more than we think. Because many of us unconsciously experience stress, we may believe that our exhaustion is somehow abnormal or unhealthy – that we are broken by fatigue. But everywhere you look, from our child care system to our health care system, our culture is often not designed to support parents (especially non-white parents). Just like a fish doesn’t know it’s wet, we don’t recognize how our culture has led many parents to feel chronically tired.
I don’t know why you designed your life and worked around your children, but love isn’t the only answer. It can also come from implicit or explicit messages from your own childhood; something you didn’t get or got and wanted to reproduce; guilt; fear or anxiety. Either way, you’ve long been second (or third, or fourth) in your life. To be clear, I don’t blame you for this choice; If we don’t slow down to make conscious choices, it’s easy to get caught up very quickly in “doing it all.” And if you need another excuse to overcome this worry, rest assured that children don’t want or need you to “organize your life around them.” Although every family is different, responsibility and developmentally appropriate independence build resilience in children. Simply put: children are supposed to understand that everyone has needs and they don’t need to be or shouldn’t be first. I love Jessica Lahey’s book, “The Gift of Failure” to learn more about this message.
Now, for whatever reason, you’ve reached the point where you’re ready to throw in the towel on the life you’ve built (an island with turtles and so on). You need to understand what living on the island with turtles means to you – perhaps with the help of a therapist, a self-help book or a good friend. Are you tired of serving others? Are you looking for more solitude? Do you need more space these days? Do you need more exposure to the natural world? Getting to the root of what your mind, body, and soul need is the ultimate goal here, because any other choice is just a band-aid on a gaping wound. And needing a coach or therapist is normal; There’s nothing unusual about reaching a crossroads in your life and needing support for the next chapter.
While you resolve your own needs, I agree, we need to reinvigorate your relationship with your 10 year old. The easiest way to do this is to schedule time with her as a legitimate date. It seems impersonal, but I have found that connection and pleasure breeds connection and pleasure. A weekend away, movies, meals, pottery painting, a house project, local theater or sport and the library are some ideas to get you started. From spending a lot of money to very little, there are a million ways to connect with your daughter. Strive for quality over quantity and, if possible, include something that brings you joy. It’s easy to forget that joy is contagious and that our children love to see us happy and full of life.
Whether you use a physical or digital calendar, involve your daughter in the decision-making process. The process of choosing what to do can be fun in itself! But remember: if you don’t seek to understand these new needs in your life, you will remain exhausted and want to escape. Be curious and seek support. Good luck.
Meghan Leahy hosts a live chat every other Wednesday at 11 a.m. Submit a question to his next live chat here.
