I’ve been happily married for years, have had close friendships for several decades, held down jobs for long periods of time, and am even friends with most of my exes. So my life is not a chaos machine! But on the other hand, I’m on the outs with several close relatives and have had some very meaningful friendships that end happily. I’ve probably had a real enemy in most of my jobs/activities since my college days (many years ago now).
Does everyone make this level of enemies or lose several major friendships? Something about this makes me feel like I must be failing at life. I think I am generally perceived and act like a decent human being. I’m the type to speak up if I see someone being treated badly, and sometimes that annoys people. But others do it too and it doesn’t seem to create a streak of enemies. Maybe I’m just generally annoying and in a way that reveals itself over time, so I burn more people than usual and drive people to rage?
Is it possible to be really nice and still collect a lot of enemies? If so, do you have any tips for making fewer enemies while still remaining a reasonably honest version of yourself, just for sanity’s sake? Are there people who on average become more annoying than others over time, and if so, how do I know if it’s me? Or do I not want to know? I really don’t want to be the bad guy in other people’s life stories.
Enemy magnet: The problem here may be less about your experiences and more about how you design them. I have parents I don’t like and avoid; there have always been people in my workplace with whom I don’t get along and some of whom have deliberately undermined me; my best friend of 30 years ended our friendship in a dramatic and painful way. I could go on, but you get the idea.
However, I would never describe any of these people as “haters”. They’re just people I don’t like. Some of them I hate. Some of them hate me. Some of them hurt me in ways I can’t forgive. Some of them are people I have hurt. It’s just life. If I counted each of these problematic relationships, I might feel a little weird, but that’s not the case, because the good, reciprocal, loving relationships outweigh them.
You describe yourself as someone with positive, long-term relationships. If this description is accurate, then your therapist is probably right…except to the extent that “it’s you” due to your internal definition of relationship breakdowns as “having enemies.”
Enemy magnet: I’m the same! I attribute this to having good boundaries, not being afraid to speak up when something is wrong, and being comfortable dealing with conflicts that others would choose to avoid. People don’t like it when you impose boundaries they want to cross or bring up issues they would rather not address.
Where someone else might, for example, choose to just slowly ghost a friend, I choose to address the problem that exists in the friendship. This can lead to a complete “end” of the relationship rather than a conflict-free demise. Looks like you’re doing great.
Enemy magnet: What an interesting question from someone who is aware that he may not be fully aware of it. Looking into these questions could be a great exercise. Line up your facts. Literally, on a piece of paper or in your notes.
What subjects were concerned? Was it always the same subject when you exploded with friends? Did small arguments happen first? How are these old friends different from your long-time friends? Do they blow up with other people? Or maybe it’s as simple as talking too long without listening. Or even an annoying habit like flossing your teeth in public.
Often, our greatest strength – for example, hitting the nail on the head with our comments – can also be our greatest weakness. For example, driving the point home when the other person was absolutely not ready to hear it. In other words, “knows me so well they can finish my sentences” can become “always interrupts me.” It may not be just one thing, but the accumulation of small things over time can reach a critical point.
I am extremely self-aware, except for the parts of me that I am completely blind to. Determining your common threads, or wire categories, where problems arise can provide insight. But don’t worry too much. It might be them, not you, at least most of the time.
Enemy magnet: I could have written that. A few years ago, I confided in a close friend about a particular outburst. She was kind and honest enough to tell me that I had certain personality traits that appealed to me but were obnoxious, even threatening, to people with less self-confidence.
My advice: Seek the advice of a few close friends who know you well and really listen with an open mind to what they have to say – without interrupting, excusing or explaining. You might learn something about yourself. Then you can decide whether you want to tone down these aspects of your personality or accept that you will turn off some people. No one is liked by everyone.
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
