I am VERY upset because I compromised myself to appease this lady. Knowing that this huge lie existed when she was so judgmental towards me really bothers me. How dare you act like I’m not good enough!
I do not know what to do. I’m tired of taking the high road, censoring my comments for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Is this a petty and senseless grudge? Is the problem really with me?
I can’t get over it: You did not compromise “to appease this lady”. You have chosen your path for your spouse and your marriage, and therefore for yourself. These were your priorities.
This crop may not be better, but it is more precise. Without your spouse, it would not have existed for you.
And think: you still love your partner, still believe that you made the right bet on the right person half a lifetime ago – so learning about your mother-in-law’s duplicity only changes the flavor of your disgust. And, you have to admit, that kind of proves you right.
I don’t know. There’s always a fine line between offering suggestions to help neutralize a person’s anger and invalidating their feelings in the face of legitimate harm. So I don’t want to suggest that your mother-in-law’s transgressions were minor to you, any of them. A lousy parent can turn family from an engine of support and advancement into a costly and exhausting chore.
But you lose your mother-in-law’s perspective, at your peril. She still hasn’t deserved your efforts on behalf of your (beloved, therefore deserving) spouse. Adding betrayal and lying to her inventory of horrors, which already featured “cunning, intrusive, authoritarian and manipulative” powers all geared toward your sabotage, are just two more pieces of baggage on the Queen Mary.
In fact, I expect that if you felt empowered to discuss it honestly with your partner, you wouldn’t feel so consumed with frustration now. Having to dance around her for your weddingaround someone who somehow managed to make their death worse — that it’s the weight.
This is a problem that needs to be talked about, not reframed. Admit to your spouse that this news was obviously much more important to the siblings (of course), but that, for you, it highlighted how difficult it was to self-censor through your own difficult relationship with her .
I hope you feel like you can say that. I hope you feel heard. I hope your spouse will make even a basic effort to end this situation for you. By thanking you, for example. I apologize for playing a role in your sense of accountability.
But if that doesn’t happen, consider taking him to a therapist. Wait times for appointments are long, so you might find your own peace (or the Ark of the Covenant, Atlantis, or the Holy Grail) before you get there – but around 35 says that It’s time to unpack those bags.
