His wife, who was completely taken aback, obviously found out by accident when she was using her phone. Instead of dropping the case, he moved out immediately and legal documents were filed. He says the other woman will sell her house and live with him once the divorce is final, and he’s confident he can co-parent successfully for the next 15 years. We doubt this whole fantasy is working, and our hearts break for his wife and kids.
It’s not how he was raised, but it seems to be who he is. We don’t want to approve of our son’s behavior and have little interest in meeting this other woman. We also don’t want to completely lose our son or the already limited time we have with the grandchildren. His wife is still friendly with us, but who knows where her career and life will eventually take her.
What are we doing? How have others walked this tightrope?
— Heartbroken grandparents
Heartbroken grandparents: If sympathy helps, you have mine. Everything is so painful.
But the advice I have probably won’t be that good.
This is because if you want your son and grandchildren in your life, you will have to choose them over getting any moral satisfaction here. If you want moral satisfaction here, then you’ll have to choose that over having your son and his children in your life.
Not that you can’t have both – it’s just that both aren’t up to you. Choosing your priorities is.
And tell him you’re horrified by his behavior and having a hard time accepting how far he’s come from becoming the person you raised him to be? It may seem like a requirement for a responsible parent – but no adult needs that kind of parental spanking. Either his own moral calculation is already going on, internally, or he is not able to have it (yet). You cannot make it so.
Coverage, too, will cost you — a jab here, an opening to keep seeing the grandkids there. He will see through it.
Better to tell him, “I’m sad and I need time to get used to it,” and then do the rest of the work in-house.
These can help you come to terms with your son’s new life pattern as you work through your grief privately:
1. You don’t really know what happened between your son and his wife, because no stranger ever really sees inside a marriage. It’s both universally true and very practical when you have to suck it up and act like you’re not catastrophically disappointed in your child.
2. Her new love didn’t take the vows, break the vows or end the marriage, he did – so just avoiding her is inappropriate. And unfair, because the fury you pour out on her is mostly directed at your son, you’re just more willing to alienate her. Better to agree and meet her when the time comes. Get to know her for who she really is: your son’s life extension that you have absolutely no say in. Also treat her as the possible future mother-in-law of your beloved grandchildren. This includes asking yourself if she will do a better job in this role if you create emotional barriers for her or remove them?
3. At this point in all of your lives, “parent” is your title but not your job.
4. People mess up. It means your son, it means the driver cuts you off in traffic, it means you are at any crossroads in your life. People mess up. People mess up. Make it your mantra, because it is incumbent on all of us to respond with our common fragility in mind. Not with a free pass, but with a good perspective.
A good approach when you’re unsure: If forgiveness is available – that is, roughly speaking, if forgiveness will not predictably create more victims – then forgiveness might as well be.
Hello Caroline: Our son’s wife of several years chose to cut our last name with her maiden name. Whenever we are with them, she always identifies herself with her maiden name, from setting up reservations to public places requiring identification. It can hurt us. Are we too sensitive?
J.: Unless you can persuade me that his name has any connection with you, I’m going to say yes, too sensitive.
