I don’t know what to do with the overwhelming grief and worry I feel over the news. I don’t want to share it with my family when their city is in the news a lot. (By ring theory, I don’t want to “throw”. I’ve found solace in online communities, but it also increases exposure with each new update, so I have to limit my time and turn off news. And friends here are supportive, but I feel like I’m exhausting my welcome on this.
I have a therapist, but at some point it’s basically something I have no control over. Because of where I live, I have the “luxury” of pretending nothing is happening, but it feels like I’m selling myself or being part of the problem. How can I do what I can and stay engaged while working through this grief and worry?
Overwhelmed: I’m sorry you have to carry this psychic weight. It’s so wrong.
However, you might unnecessarily add your guilt to it; it’s a weight you can drop. You say about your friends, for example: “I feel like I’m exhausting my welcome on this subject. Is that even true? Have you asked your friends that? Maybe these otherwise very isolated people want to do something, don’t want to be part of the problem themselves, and are happy to do it for you. Maybe they can do more than that too.
And consider your site as sold: this also seems too self-critical. There is a role for people close to the issue to play, yes, but as a black person in an “almost all-white” area, you are important. That there are still “almost all-white” areas is depressing at this point and helps to both explain and perpetuate the injustice. Just being there to transact where people can see you is the opposite of selling. It’s courageous.
As for the balance between staying engaged and grief and worry, my only advice is to listen and respect your own needs and the cumulative weight of that stress. Courage is not the same as responsibility. You do what it takes to be well.
- I am white and 35 years ago I moved from a very diverse urban location to a small town in a neighboring state, which was/is extremely conservative and almost exclusively white. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started to see a small increase in racial diversity. Every non-white face I see gives my heart hope for the kind of world I want to live in.
- You are NOT exhausting your welcome. I’ve come to realize that beyond marches and phone calls to politicians, the most important thing I do is just listen to my black and brown friends, without inserting or making me. I feel extremely grateful when a friend trusts me enough to let off steam. And I know I’m not the only one in this case. Please find your friends who can listen, and know that you are in fact giving the gift of trust, not overdrafting a fake friendship bank account.
