My partner also recently lost his job and his parents are still demanding money be sent to him. I understand that the expectations of children growing up in Pakistani culture are different than those of an American family, especially the expectations of caring for your elders. So how can I help build my partner’s self-esteem and independence, while still being culturally sensitive and respectful? Should I even express an opinion, having never experienced the same cultural pressures? All I want is for my partner to flourish.
Partner concerned: This bothers you, but what does your partner think? Do they feel burdened by this expectation from their parents? Do they Do they feel like their independence is being stifled?
People find their value as individuals in different ways. You say you want to boost your partner’s self-esteem, then you associate it with their independence, and I want to explore — and gently challenge — that presumption. In collectivist cultures – or in cultures where group harmony is often prioritized over individual needs – people may measure their self-worth based on the family or community they participate in and the role they play. play in these groups.
Even more so, it is not uncommon for members of the Asian diaspora to be expected to send money to their parents and family out of respect and duty – what is known as filial piety. Your partner may feel good about themselves when they can give back to their parents or when they respect certain cultural norms they were raised with. That’s not to say it doesn’t affect them, but the root of What who makes your partner feel valuable may be different than you think.
So, before you can help boost your partner’s self-esteem and self-worth, explore what boosts their self-esteem and self-worth. This might start a conversation like, “I wonder if you feel a sense of pride in being able to send money to your parents? I would like to know more about this. Or even simply: “How does it feel to have to send money to your parents?” » You want to be curious and non-judgmental about what your partner thinks about their parents’ expectations. By doing this, you can deepen your relationship and your understanding of your partner’s internal world, and it can help you both find a compromise on how much to send back to their family that seems feasible while still honoring their desire to keep that. role in their family.
That said, you are clearly worried about your partner’s financial situation, and to avoid any build-up of resentment, you definitely need to address it. It might be: “I know that taking care of your parents is important to you, but I worry that you are stretching yourself too thin right now. Can we talk about it? I’m wondering if your partner has told his parents he lost his job or is having trouble meeting his needs in general when it comes to his parents’ demands. There may be deeper struggles at play, and a culturally sensitive therapist might be a helpful resource to share with your partner.
Of course, each of you should feel empowered about how you spend your money, but if you share expenses or plan to spend your life together, it’s time to have a broader conversation about finances. This might sound like, “Can we spend some time talking about our financial goals?” This will help you both focus on your life goals and how you can achieve them, creating an inroad into determining where your money is going now. You’ll also want to take time to think about what your partner’s vision for the future means to you. You long term. Are you okay with their financial generosity being a part of your relationship? Is this a dealbreaker?
You think about the right things, especially when it comes to respecting your different cultural values and norms. An open, non-judgmental conversation with your partner can help you both bridge these differences so that you’re on the same page.
