But occasionally, someone will ask, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a little brother!” or “Wait, so what’s their relationship to you?”
I often just say, “Actually, that’s my family of choice” and move on, but is there a better way? This can be hard to explain and leaves some people scratching their heads.
You get points so as not to be, as some would, mad at head scratchers. But that doesn’t change Miss Manners’ answer: language is a shared medium of communication and when you unilaterally redefine common words, you’ll have to explain what you mean, patiently. Explaining the virtue of why you made the change is not prohibited, but it is not an acceptable substitute.
Dear Miss Manners: What is the polite way to take care of necessary household chores (vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc.) when you are hosting guests for several days and they refuse your suggestions for a nice walk, a good movie or a visit to a nice boutique to take care of things during their short absence? It seems rude to clean around guests, but equally rude not to keep things tidy while they are there.
After suggestions from outdoor activity or moving to another room have been ignored, you can vacuum around them – as long as you don’t intentionally run over their toes.
Dear Miss Manners: My goddaughter started attending a fundamentalist church with very strict rules. Good for her, but she wrote to me that since I attend a different church, I’m doomed to hell if I don’t join hers.
I was insulted! This letter came out of nowhere, and we only have a short time together, because she lives far away.
I waited a month to calm down before responding. By the way, her mother goes to another church and was NOT told she was doomed. I find it hard to forgive my goddaughter, and I wonder how to proceed.
Your Goddaughter’s Church obviously enforces some rules more strictly than others: “Do unto others” is interpreted quite loosely, for example, as Miss Manners is convinced that your goddaughter would not appreciate being told it was her, not you, who will have a bad surprise.
The correct answer is one of the few good uses of non-apology, “I’m sorry you felt that way.” That’s probably what the letter you’ve already sent says.
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday to Saturday at washingtonpost.com/board. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
