So I called the waiter “sir” when I needed his attention. I spoke to him in full sentences; made eye contact when talking to him; said “please”, “thank you” and “if it’s not too much trouble”, knowing full well that it was his job to take the trouble. At the end of the meal, I returned his happy wish that we had a good holiday.
There were brief banter, but no conversation about anything personal, and certainly no flirting.
Apparently my mother thinks that I inappropriately treat waiters and vendors as if they’re hosting me in their home, rather than providing paid service, that I make them feel uncomfortable by blurring boundaries, and that I waste their time by using too many words.
If so, I completely miss it. I always feel like I get great service and the service providers seem quite relaxed and pleasant. Is my mother right to say that I am too polite in these circumstances?
The custom to which your mother refers to dates when servants were considered robots. When Miss Manners once waited on a table at a charity event and then socialized with guests afterwards, they repeated much of their dinner conversation – imagining she hadn’t heard her when she stood silently behind their chairs.
The presumption of invisibility is now recognized as rude. Even period dramas about aristocrats show them chatting with their household staff over dinner, which they would never have done.
If you interfered with the service or became personal, your mother would be right to object. It’s also patronizing to assume that servers are available for friendship, let alone flirting. But simple courtesy is always welcome.
Dear Miss Manners: Is it still considered vulgar to wear gold and silver jewelry at the same time?
Please – Miss Manners gets enough criticism when she cites the rule against wearing major stones (other than wedding rings) in the light of day.
Some people don’t like mixing metals, but if you do, go for it.
Dear Miss Manners: My daughter’s father is engaged. At our daughter’s birthday party, which I was hosting, her fiancée introduced herself to my daughter’s guests as her mother-in-law.
They are not married yet! Is this an acceptable way for her to introduce herself?
Is it an argument you want to have, when it will probably be?
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday to Saturday at washingtonpost.com/board. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
