I can’t even bear to see them anymore, and it causes a big break in the family. She makes me feel like I’m crazy because she only says things to me when my partner is out of sight. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, so I avoid them completely.
There is much more than that, of course. Please help. I don’t want to give this horrible woman any more power than she already has over me.
Feel crazy: It sounds like a gas lighter. Two steps to deal with it, in addition to healthy avoidance:
1. Defend yourself. She does this to dominate you, and you’re not “crazy”.
Let’s say she wanted to tell a perfectly harmless story. Even then – since when are you not allowed to have your own opinion on this? “If I hear you correctly, you are making fun of my mother behind her back and in front of me.” Or as you would describe it. Paraphrase, then wait. Whether she admits it or explains otherwise. That tells her she won’t get away with it [stuff].
2. Ask “your” people to defend you. Your husband’s “Oh, she has no idea” doesn’t hold up. Please tell him this. Calmly explain that you tried to see things his way, hoping he was right, and that you came to your own conclusion that his mother-in-law is not only rude, but chooses also her moments for being rude in an effort to evade detection by others.
And if he reiterates his disagreement, make it clear to him that he chooses to invalidate the judgment and perceptions of the person he married and lives with, and perhaps he would like to take a moment to weigh in further. what you witnessed directly – out of his presence. And if he really means that what you witnessed directly out of his presence didn’t actually happen.
I’m sorry he didn’t support you right away, for all these reasons.
When you and your husband have settled this between you, then you can work on the issue of access to grandpa.
- How do you know she’s rude and not ignorant: she doesn’t do it in front of your spouse. Don’t ask me how I know that.
- Rather than wasting your energy asking yourself, “Am I wrong about this?” try sitting with the statement “I AM being gaslit”. Give yourself the opportunity to trust your instinct for self-protection. It’s a surge of power that can unleash you, not to mention harder and more effectively than you ever imagined.
- If the husband doesn’t start believing her and committing, I would definitely recommend couples therapy. If it was me, it would make me wonder what else my husband wouldn’t believe me on in the future.
