My in-laws are lovely, although conflict-avoidant, people. They now set aside time just for their sister-in-law on each trip, and I would like to formally separate visits in the future. When the in-laws are with us, we will invite the sister-in-law when it makes sense but it won’t change our plans. Same in his time.
My husband worries that we are as selfish as his sister and that we are putting his parents in a difficult position. But that’s what having boundaries means, right? The last visit involved missing a big part of an event that Kid 1 was really excited about, and then a massive meltdown from Kid 2 due to being late to dinner. So it’s possible that I’ve lost some perspective.
Place: I feel like I’m missing something, because an almost ideal solution is emerging here: first, you stick to your schedule during these visits, because making disruptive efforts to try to please everyone world seems exaggerated on the next visit. is in a few weeks. You don’t have to get the full treatment for a family vacation.
Second, she has the right to see her own parents in her own way without always being at the mercy of your children. Early dinners and youth sports have their charm, don’t get me wrong, but not when they set the family visit agenda for everyone at all times. The fact that she doesn’t have much of a relationship with her brother makes her resistance here more rational, not less.
Third, you can continue to invite her for the sake of inclusion, providing her with detailed plans, with the understanding that she can come or not, as she wishes, and that there will be no penalty of guilt in both cases.
So what am I not seeing? She wants to spend time with her parents and not (always) with your children. She may express this horribly – passive aggression, whining, no-shows – but there’s nothing wrong with this underlying preference. If I were the one who didn’t have children and demanded non-child-centered time, I would hate for my parents and siblings to take this as “selfish” of me just because my methods need to grow . It’s a loss of perspective that threatens the relationship.
Which brings me to the solution most worthy of the term “ideal”: for siblings to have a real conversation about how they feel about what and why. The lone sister seems to have more baggage than she can comfortably carry.
Re: Sister-in-law: It seems the child collapsed from a late dinner because they were waiting for the sister-in-law to arrive. Stop that. If dinner is scheduled for 6 p.m., have dinner at 6 p.m. When she arrives at 7 p.m., offer to prepare a plate for her.
Anonymous: Yes. No accommodations, just stick to the schedule, and she’s there when she’s not, no reactions or punishments when she arrives. Just a warmly offered meal. THANKS.
