My parents expect everyone to participate, including my children — which I welcome — and we eat our meal quietly and everyone is encouraged to contribute to the conversation.
Because we’re going to my parents’ house this year, I hear loud complaints from my kids that Thanksgiving sucks at my parents’ house, they hate it, and they can’t wait to go to other grandparents’ houses. My husband says I can’t blame them for feeling that way, any 11 and 12 year old would feel the same way, but I think that says something not so nice about our kids and the values that we have failed to instill in them.
What do you think? Are my expectations for our children unreasonable?
Anonymous: For the end result, no, your expectations of them are quite reasonable. Well, since it’s an emotional thing, “goals” is a better word.
But your little cupcakes aren’t fully baked yet, so it’s normal and perfectly normal that the in-between result – year after year, before they’re fully developed – includes less evolved opinions and preferences.
Your job is to (hm, how can we overload this metaphor) continue to apply even heat as they mature.
Which is to say, they’re going to Thanksgiving this year and they’re loving it. And participate and make conversation.
It is also good for children to learn to assimilate the values and rules of their parents in very different contexts. If you want something different from your kids this holiday, then you and your husband both need to agree on certain lines to hold in the free-for-all house – discreet, I’d say, to avoid stepping on his parents’ welcoming toes.
· I was one of those children. My aunt eventually started putting on some dance music, and while it was goofy watching her dance with my mom while we cooked meals, it was pretty funny, and I have fond memories of it now. What I haven’t overcome, however, is the rampant sexism of women cooking and men squatting. These are the cupcakes that never baked.
· Persevere. They were my family, and I’m sure my brother and I don’t always enjoy those long family gatherings. Now we do. My brother and I have our own language and history. Those rare moments when we can all be together? We laugh until our sides hurt. The dishes are done. We take long walks and laugh a little more. And when we unexpectedly lost dad, everyone was on hand to give mom what she needed. Because of these links. Your children are lucky and what you give them is a gift.
· You will need to figure out what you want to do when your daughter is old enough to help you and your son can still sit up.
