How do I know when it is? I’m sure 7 and 5 aren’t. Is that the only answer I’ll know when I find out?
Regarding fairness to my wife: she knows exactly why I’m unhappy. We have been discussing the same topics repeatedly for 20 years; Nothing will change. Should I feel bad about planning a divorce in the future without telling him? Is this unacceptable dishonesty? I think telling him I plan to leave “when the kids are old enough” would result in a much less enjoyable life for everyone in the meantime.
Married: Whoo. Divorces when the children are “old enough” — young adults, right? — are traumatic in their own way. The launch years can feel like walking a tightrope, and you’re considering pulling their net. Or rather in the middle of high school? Middle school? Ouch.
Also: Some people can undoubtedly become great partners and co-parents as their intimate relationships deteriorate, but I suspect the number of those who can is significantly fewer than those who think they can.
If this all sounds like a “Well, you’re screwed either way” then it’s…probably true to some extent. But our power in life lies in these small degrees of change, so that’s what we’re doing here.
And it’s an old answer, but solo therapy focused on family systems can find solutions to your misery problem that minimize collateral damage. You’re not in a hurry, so take your time to find the right solution.
Please, however, don’t just go ahead and burn the next decade and more like a living, lying grimace emoji. It’s better to talk about it even if you conclude it’s better to stay.
· If divorce is imminent, start planning for it now. Save money to finance two households. Look for real estate in children’s school districts and friend zones. Get children used to individual outings with each parent separately. If you are not equal co-parents now, do it. Make sure you both know how to cook your children’s favorite meals and that you both know their teachers and their friends’ parents. And most importantly, treat your spouse with kindness.
· Pretending to have a viable marriage for 15 more years is a lot harder than you think. It’s better to blow up the marriage now, before they reach adolescence. Having your parents separate while you are moving away from your parents is not a good thing. In short, you are in a narrow period in which divorce is unlikely to have a negative impact on the children. Get out now.
· As a young adult dealing with this, I realized through therapy that I had no idea what a functional, loving relationship looked like. You are dangerously leading your children to believe that dysfunction is normal, while mistakenly believing that you are doing what is best for them.
· Divorcing when children are younger has some advantages. Among them: it becomes their norm sooner. You at least stop modeling an unhealthy, unhappy relationship to them – they certainly realize that.
