I’m trying to be as diplomatic as possible, but I won’t be attending the wedding without my wife. I would like to have your opinion on my position on the matter.
— Rock and a HARD place
Rock and a HARD place: I disagree with your position on the matter.
I’m sympathetic to that, but that’s another thing. I understand that including spouses on guest lists is almost an absolute, because it’s rude to exclude them – and you want to celebrate with your wife. (During the 10 or 15 minutes that the ceremony lasts.)
But when a couple gets married at City Hall and attendance is capped, all expectations are dashed. To add your wife because she really matters to you, your son must eliminate someone else who really matters to him. Top six important.
All because… you don’t like being alone among your ex’s people? Do you think Ex is the favorite parent? Are you worried that your wife won’t be accepted or respected?
This is all difficult, I’m sorry – but as reasons to boycott, these are not enough. If your son had asked me before inviting anyone, I would have insisted that your wife be included (while respecting her right to choose her six). Now, however, the best option left is to recognize that this is your son and his six people. Sides, shmides. Talking about you and winning would mean at this point that it disinvite one of those people he has already chosen to include.
Of course, you have every right not to attend now, just as your son was free to choose his people. But choices have consequences – and you have a say in the consequences of your son’s choices and yours.
In particular, you can choose to limit the emotional and logistical consequences to the absolute minimum: by not taking the mini-guest list personally. By taking a longer-term view. By asking your wife to do the same, if she wishes. By no longer putting pressure on your son. By not boycotting your own son’s ceremony. My real advice is to maintain your relationship with your son, which you can’t do if she doesn’t survive her marriage.
Or you can go big: taking maximum offense and taking maximum stance, inviting maximum escalation. Your call.
Hello Carolyn: Recently, four mothers of adult children were talking about marriage. Two of us have upcoming weddings in the family, one has a son who got married two years ago and the other hasn’t had a wedding yet.
The question has arisen as to whether parents who help fund the child’s wedding have any say in the planning and details of it. Your name came up, as in “Carolyn Hax would say…”, and we all quickly disagreed on how you would respond!
I thought you would encourage parental discretion down to minimal involvement, while others thought you would say that if parents pay, then they can weigh in on decisions. Would you mind settling this argument before the next glass of champagne?!
— Yet Another Marriage Disagreement
Yet another disagreement on marriage: You win. I’m not sure which column your friends read, because I don’t recall ever supporting the use of money as leverage for someone else’s schemes (although I may have obscured the end of the 1990s).
Especially with children, it’s an exercise in bad faith. “Here’s a huge gift for you, except it’s really a way for me to get you to do what I want.” It’s hard to imagine a more effective way to ignite pent-up parental goodwill.
Weddings are part of my broader view of whether or not to give money to children, minors or adults, as a matter of principle – for weddings, allowances, college tuition, birthdays, down payments, whatever – And be transparent about these principles with your children. Some examples of the countless configurations this can take: “This is how we would like to celebrate you”, “We view support for your studies as both a reward for your hard work and the best start we can offer you in life”, “Your weekly allowance is intended to teach you how to manage your own money”, “I will pay 100% emotionally, but no. financial support after turning 18/21/leaving high school/leaving university, except in emergency cases, if applicable. The more consistent your philosophy and its application, the better.
Then surrender. If you can’t opt out, for whatever reason, then don’t give the gift in the first place – or adjust it until you can give it freely. No matter: no conditions or gifts.
