My mother was very angry with me and told me she didn’t agree. A few days later, my aunt emailed me “on behalf” of herself, her two adult children (my first cousins), and her brother to tell me that they were all very convinced that I do not share any details about my sibling with members of our extended family. when I visit them next month. She even specifically included a lie I could tell instead.
They worry about their reputation, their “good name” (which they don’t share with my brother, although I do) and their ability to be respected in their hometown. There was no mention of caring for me or acknowledging the challenge I am going through grieving my only brother and his choices.
I am deeply uncomfortable and offended by this. Keeping secrets is not the way I operate and it’s also what led my brother to ruin his life. Not to mention other cases where keeping secrets resulted in irreparable damage to family bonds. These family members and I rarely speak, and they have never visited me or my children where we live. Although I felt a strong sense of duty towards them, I find lying about something like this to be morally wrong.
What can I tell my aunt about her email? I hadn’t even decided what I was going to tell my extended family about my brother, but now I’m so angry at these family members for trying to force me to lie that it’s hard to say. think clearly about the situation.
Emotional: This all seems so difficult, I’m sorry.
You have communicated with your mother in a courteous and informative manner only about choices you have every right to make for yourself. That’s the basic fact here.
When she and the others (wrongly) took this as an invitation to weigh in on your business – and encouraged you to lie – they piled the distractions on the basic fact.
You now have new stress on top of the original stress, which will take time and attention to deal with, but that too is a distraction. The basic fact is still this: you communicated with your mother as a courtesy and information only.
So eliminate the distractions and accept the fact. Your answer then becomes simple: you will talk about it as you see fit. RIGHT? Because it was true all along, no matter what anyone said. You have always been the final word on your own approach to this mess.
Once you are focused on this, the only question that remains is how to present your commitment to self-determination to others.
I suggest being calm, polite, succinct, honest and completely detached from any discussion you don’t intend to have. For example, reply to your aunt’s email: “No doubt, this is difficult for all of us. To be clear, I won’t lie to anyone. It’s helpful to know how you all feel, though. See you soon, [Your Name].” Not ready to negotiate? So don’t negotiate.
You can deflect all violent attacks, regardless of the source, calmly and firmly. This, too, is a basic fact, even if you change the way you phrase your “no.”
