I don’t detect any melancholy, and the comments are always topical and have a period. But I still don’t like that she gets thrown into so many discussions that have nothing to do with her. Something also seems wrong in the fact that she is never mentioned by name – I had to know who he was referring to when he said “we”.
Come to think of it, maybe he’s using “we” to avoid saying his name. I don’t know if it would be for my benefit or his. I understand that everyone has a past, but I rarely talk about my exes and if I do, I say, “I went to that beach” and leave the ex out of it all since I don’t talk. from him. He’d probably try to stop if I told him it bothered me, but am I letting it get too much under my skin? Or do you think that’s something to worry about?
Leave the ex aside: Yeah, you’re letting it get under your skin too much. It sounds like you’re treating his memories like competition, when the memories might just be him sharing his good times with you (in the examples you gave, anyway). What if you try to respond positively to the memory and ignore the “we”? For example, “How does it feel to run a marathon?” It’s an amazing achievement” (or something like that, genuine for you).
By reframing the events, you open yourself up to knowing more about him and making those incidents less related to your insecurities (and perhaps nostalgia that you weren’t a part of his life at the time). As you’ll be together longer, new collective memories will replace some of the old memories in your conversations, and you’ll care less about the past “we” (don’t you have “we” memories that you share with him ? ?).
I’m basing this whole positive approach on the clues you gave about his commitment to your current relationship (“he’d probably quit if I asked him”). And if anything is wrong with him not mentioning his ex-wife’s name, go ahead and ask him questions in the same spirit of understanding that you use to explore past events he has participated. In your relatively new relationship, the more open your heart, the more likely you are to build a strong foundation and stay together — and that seems to be what you want.
Leave the ex aside: Just ask him, with genuine curiosity. Before starting a conversation, think deeply (perhaps write it down or discuss it with a trusted friend or therapist) about what is bothering you and what your goals are in the conversation. To better understand his feelings? To ask him to change a speech pattern? I often talk about my exes, sometimes by name and sometimes as us – because those are my lived experiences and part of my story/identity. Although this is not a concern in my relationship, what matters is how YOU feel about YOUR relationship and how you communicate with your boyfriend.
We all have weird blockages that may or may not be a sign of a larger problem. Do you feel secure in your relationship? Is there a reason why you write to an advice column rather than just telling them about it? Does the thought of talking about it make you feel vulnerable? Are you worried about how he will perceive you or how he will react? Also note that you call him your “current” boyfriend, suggesting a lack of permanence. Why? I wouldn’t go into that point, except that it seems to be a mirror in the very question you’re asking.
Leave the ex aside: Looks like he’s trying to avoid saying his name, probably out of kindness to you. My partner did the same thing when we first dated, and because I like to tease, I always said, “there’s no us, it’s just you and me ” in a light and rhyming way. The spouse was still laughing at their usual rest. Soon, the spouse responded with a song, “you and I are us.” It remains our inside joke when we refer to ourselves as a couple.
The hubby also gave descriptive, gender-neutral nicknames (think “car guy,” “Richmond girl,” “soccer guy,” “movie girl,” etc.) to our two exes to ensure distance. Only our closest friends knew who we were referring to, and everyone else thanked us for not bringing up random names they might have to remember.
Relax and the ex will be left behind.
Once the spouse stopped saying “we” in reference to the ex, the two of us quickly became the us.
Leave the ex aside: When I was dating my husband, it bothered me that he didn’t use “we” or mention his ex. I was afraid that in the event of a breakup, I too would disappear from his stories as if I had never existed. Finally, I explained this to him and he confessed that it was “weird” to tell me about her. I explained that, for me, it was more tense to intentionally bypass his presence. I was comforted that she meant something to him – I didn’t want to feel like she was disposable or that I was a substitute. Eventually he started including her in stories more naturally and our pasts became a complete non-issue.
My point is this: history is perceived differently by everyone. You won’t know what your boyfriend’s approach means unless you ask him and, more importantly, are willing to be open to his response.
Each week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s episode here. New questions are usually posted on Fridays, with a Monday submission deadline. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
