He’s their golden boy, their only son, and their youngest child, and when we see them we feel like he’s the most interesting man in the world and I’m some random woman who wandered around in the street. Even worse, my partner and I are in the same field, but I’m in graduate school. I’m afraid I’ll always be a less intelligent, less interesting version of him to them. I don’t feel that way about his sisters and their husbands; They are very nice and we get along well.
In the nine months since he moved, we spent almost 30 days total with his parents, including visits to our hometown for Jewish (his family), Christian (my family), and secular holidays. We are staying with them because they have a guest suite and my family doesn’t have room for us. I’m not very close to my family. We’ve discussed marriage, and it stresses me out to be stuck with a second family who is lukewarm toward me, who will never be impressed no matter how hard I try to impress them. Apparently his parents love me a lot, but they don’t.‘They are outwardly friendly people, although they are generally generous, patient and kind.
Should I tell the parents something? Or I’ll keep it to myself until we‘Are you married and then ask to be treated like family? Or is it normal that parents love their child more than their partner, and I should just limit my time with them?
To the output : Before you do or say anything, think about your feelings and experiences. On the one hand, you feel like “a random woman who came in off the street” and on the other hand, her parents are “generous, patient and kind.” How did these two experiences In fact coexist? I’m not denying that you feel this way, but feelings aren’t always factual.
Think about what evidence supports your story about how they perceive you. How do you really know they think you’re less interesting or less intelligent? Why do you find it hard to believe that they love you? When you say you’re “trying to impress them,” it indicates that you’re looking for their validation. For what? What insecurities surface when you are around them? How does your own relationship – or lack thereof – with your family exacerbates this problem. I wonder if there is unprocessed grief around your own family and sadness that your future in-laws won’t fill that void.
Facing these feelings can help you better understand what you’re feeling due to insecurity—and that you may need to heal on your own—versus what you might actually be feeling. need of the relationship to feel accepted and recognized. Think about what specifically you need from them to make them feel included. Does this raise more questions about you? Does this include you in the conversation? Feelings can be abstract, so being specific can help clarify your needs.
You are unlikely to have the same relationship as him with your partner’s parents. This doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means the relationship is different. It also doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to feel loved, welcomed, and appreciated. Let go of the comparison to how they treat their son and instead imagine what kind of relationship you can is it realistic to have with them? In what ways can you also maintain this relationship?
Then you can have a frank conversation with your partner. Be honest about how you feel, what behaviors and actions you observe, and what you might need to move forward. Maybe your boyfriend will be more conscious of involving you in the conversation when you feel left out. You can also ask his step-siblings if they feel the same way to explain if this is the case. You or if your partner’s parents are just that way with everyone.
Finally, I hear a bit of resentment in your question. You justify the time you spend with them because you live far away now, because they have space, because he’s closer to his family. But what I hear is that’s not what I really want, or even, I’m not getting what I want from this relationship. It may be time to have a deeper conversation with your partner to set boundaries about how often you are around their family.
Family dynamics are neither black nor white. They can evolve. You just need to figure out what you’re willing to tolerate, where you can give the benefit of the doubt, and what you absolutely need to move forward.
