We got along wonderfully as future spouses for about a year and naturally life events happened and we started to drift apart emotionally. I started my graduate studies and he started a new modeling career. Before we knew it, the time spent focusing on our individual efforts hurt our relationship more than we knew. In the past three years, we haven’t once tried to set a wedding date. We followed couples advice, endured infidelity, and finally I had to break up with my partner last year because he was no longer healthy or no longer serving us, in my opinion.
We are very close to each other and we still love each other. Even though I wonder if being together is the right thing for both of us, I honestly don’t think I could imagine my life without him. Now he’s asked me to reconsider our relationship, and I want to know if it’s worth a try.
Should I: Boomeranging back to an ex-fiancé when you still have doubts presents real risks. You both have a lot of history, complicated by infidelity, potentially divergent career paths, and what seems to be a deep-rooted doubt in your long-term love compatibility. It’s an uphill battle for even the most experienced life partners. But trying to turn a whirlwind college romance into a healthy adult relationship is a unique challenge because you’re both still discovering and growing.
First, you need to be really honest with yourself about why you’re considering a second chance in a relationship that you’ve already concluded is unhealthy. You mentioned that the relationship no longer served either of you. That’s sound reasoning for breaking up. Have any of these feelings or circumstances changed? What has changed since you had this revelation?
It looks like you haven’t spent much time without your ex since the breakup. Why is that? Are you clinging to the comfort of familiarity and perhaps forgetting the same set of facts that led to your initial breakup? Creating some distance from each other, even temporarily, could be helpful in gaining perspective and clarity.
As difficult as it is to deal with matters of the heart pragmatically, think of the inner conflict you feel as an invitation to zoom out and think about what you (only you) really want from this season of your life. . Although you have the opportunity to give this romance a second chance, you will not recover this time. Turning 20 gives you the opportunity to set the stage for the rest of your life.
What do you want to build? In what or in whom do you want to invest your energy and your time? What experiences do you dream of? Are there any professional, relationship or family deadlines that are important to you? What is the most authentic truth about how this relationship fits into all of this? Let your desires, goals, and priorities guide your next step.
When you were engaged, you both prioritized “individual efforts” over your relationship. Maybe the truth is that right now, laying the groundwork for your career is more important and urgent than laying the groundwork for marriage. It’s important to honor your truth and personal goals because feeling refreshed only makes you a better partner. Devoting time to deepening the relationship with ourselves will always benefit our relationships as it clarifies how the partnership may or may not be additive. Compromising your own goals for someone else can have devastating effects on your relationship with yourself and, by extension, any romantic relationship.
Clearly this is not someone you are willing to let go. But staying in close contact could cloud your judgment when determining what roles you should play in each other’s lives. What is it about the friendship dynamic that seems to work better for you than being engaged? Is there a way to foster friendship without straining it in a romantic context?
If you choose to explore a second chance with your ex-fiancé, be honest with yourself and your partner about your intentions. How to build a lasting partnership without falling back into the same ruts as before? If you’re not ready for a long-term commitment, that needs to be communicated upfront. You both need to be on the same page about where you’re headed.
The attraction for partnership can sometimes be stronger than common sense. Ultimately, if you’re meant to be together, I don’t think a few more years of becoming the best versions of yourselves will stop that from happening. Do the work, encourage him to do the same, and prepare to enter the difficult conversations necessary for any healthy relationship with clear eyes and an open heart.
Do you have questions about the big changes? Seek advice from columnist Elaine Welteroth.
Tell it to the post office
