We saw a counselor, and that helped us resolve other communication issues, but after a year, she said she “still doesn’t see anything changing.” We still live together, we are still friendly, we have a young adult who has not yet left home, but there is no physical contact between us, no matter how informal or innocent it may be.
She didn’t offer me a single pat on the shoulder when I was fired or when I took our elderly cat to the vet to put him to sleep. She just continued her day as usual. She was always very private with her emotions, but I was the one she opened up to, and now that’s not the case. She says she just doesn’t feel very strong emotions anymore, and that’s okay with her.
I have done a lot of research and reading, and the prevailing opinion in cases like mine is: “Your marriage is over; you should leave.” But I don’t want to leave! I love my wife and greatly appreciate the life we’ve built together. At my age, I can’t imagine trying to start over.
I keep coming back to the conclusion that the only real problem is that I still want sex, and my partner doesn’t. I can ignore it for months, but I can’t ban it completely. If I could just get rid of it, I think my relationship would be fine. Am I deluding myself?
Devoted: You described a relationship devoid of kindness, caring, meaningful communication, or any kind of emotional or physical intimacy. The relationship I share with my regular server at the Dunkin’ drive-thru seems deeper, richer, and more satisfying than your long marriage (hi Kaytlin!).
You describe this marriage as emotionally empty, and yet you fixate on the lack of sex as the only missing ingredient. But from your description everything is missing. Your marriage seems over, but if you love your wife, your home, and the life you share, you should stay with your emotionless, unsupportive roommate, and maybe have casual sex elsewhere.
Given that she doesn’t seem to care and “can’t see anything changing”, I doubt your wife will object to this plan. I hope you continue therapy. A therapist won’t tell you what to do, but it would be a safe space for you to discuss your options and your feelings about your options.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have two children. Our oldest, “Ava,” will be 12 in the fall. My children are very close to my parents, and since we live in the same city, my parents have been very involved in their lives. We love them and feel lucky to have grandparents who are relatively young and fun for our kids – and for us.
Ava recently returned from an overnight visit with my parents and told me that my mother suggested she shave her legs. This issue concerns an area where my mother gets it wrong: she has a habit of giving advice about body, clothes, and appearance. One day, she cut my daughter’s hair without permission from either of us. I had to accept this as a child, but I don’t like it now. What do you think I should do?
Mother: First you should talk to your daughter. Emphasize that his hair belongs to him and that no one has the right to tell him what to do with it. Then you should talk to your mother. Insist that “Ava”’s hair belongs to her, etc.
Rinse and repeat whenever necessary.
Dear Amy: “Cat lover and friend» was worried that her friend’s cats were roaming freely outside in an area full of predators and now one cat was missing.
Mine wander outside, and if they become prey, so be it. Yes, “indoor” cats can live longer, but being stuck inside all the time – is that really living?
Cat lovers: There is a happy medium, where cats can stay outside part of the time and be brought in at night.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
