Since then she texted me asking if I wanted to come over for dinner with her and her husband someday, she texted me in the middle of the night (luckily I set my phone to do not disturb overnight) because she had just read something about a common interest of ours that she thought I should know about, and invited me to her church. All last week!
I realize that her eagerness probably means she’s alone, and I have a lot of compassion for that. And I like her, I’m open to friendship, I don’t want to hurt her or push her away completely. But I’m also not ready to treat her like she’s my new best friend when I’ve only met her once and already have close friends who fill that role in my life! How can I get her to give the friendship some room to grow without being forced?
Not so fast Friend: Personally, I wouldn’t consider three contacts in a week to be excessive, but adding the “new best friend” comment, I can understand how a little freaked out one can feel. My suggestions for slowing his roll: Respond to the dinner invitation by suggesting a date several weeks in the future. Middle of the night text would be recognized during normal waking hours (hint!) with the classic text conversation ending – the “thumbs up” emoji.
I would decline the invitation to church at this point because it could turn into a recurring commitment that could be hard to get out of moving forward – and you don’t have to give it a reason, the religion and spirituality are nobody’s business but your own. More generally, space your meetings according to a schedule that suits you the time to determine if you want her as a friend or as an acquaintance.
not so fast friend: You ask him to give the friendship some room to grow. Tell him what you just told us. You are interested in friendship, you like it and you have a lot to tell each other. The rate of development of the friendship you are comfortable with seems different. Then ask her if she’s okay if you take it a little slower. If it’s not okay with her, she can say it, or if she doesn’t say it, you’ll know because she won’t change her behavior.
If she’s okay with it, you might develop a friendship that interests you both. And, because you had that initial conversation, you can always remind him – as in, “I know you’ve texted me six since yesterday and I haven’t replied, I’m not ignoring you, but call back. you that I tend to take longer for these things. Then proceed at your own pace.
Telling people what works for you and what doesn’t really simplifies a lot of interactions.
not so fast friend: I think you just found out what kind of friend she would be, and you don’t like it. You don’t need to make excuses, like she’s feeling lonely and maybe you should think about it. Are shared interests worth the red flags you already feel? I doubt.
If it helps, consider it a potential romantic interest. You went on a date with him/her – and they declared the love of their life to you, then quickly started including you in several future projects. Wouldn’t you be totally scared and run for the hills? I want. I really don’t think you owe him much – you’re at the very beginning of the relationship. You can call her, or even text her, and tell her you don’t think you and she are on the same page for a friendship and wish her well. It’s not mean, it’s honest and honest.
not so fast friend: Decades ago, I was something like this new friend…emotionally codependent and unable to “read the tea leaves” of how to see what someone else was really offering and accept it without need it to be more. The longer I held on to these “friendship fantasies”, the harder it was when reality hit. I’m not talking about finding out someone wasn’t a friend at all, just not the close friend I thought they were.
The best thing you can do in my opinion is to set clear expectations in the sweetest way possible (e.g. “I really enjoy spending time with you doing ‘x’ and I prefer to keep it for now , but thanks for the offer”) and continue to affirm that boundary while being open to seeing if it can grow over time and shared experiences reveal how you “fit” best as friends. Press the eject button only if that friend just doesn’t get it. We all have different types of friends from our past and present shared contexts… some grow beyond that context and some die on the vine if we leave that context. Just enjoy it in that context and don’t respond to overtures to go beyond that if you’re not or ever comfortable doing so.
Each week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s episode here. New questions are usually posted on Fridays, with a Monday submission deadline. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
