I had traumatic experiences during childbirth and during the first few weeks postpartum. I really had to fight to get proper treatment at the hospital, which included convincing them to check if I had enough blood in my body (which I didn’t). I feel like my “worst case scenario” mindset saved my life and I need to think that way to protect my baby. This negative mindset keeps me from being present with my true bundle of joy.
Assuming the worst in the back of my mind becomes so exhausting and sometimes debilitating. I remember always thinking, “Mom! Calm down!” when I was growing up. Now I understand why my mother was like that. The mental load we carry as mothers is so heavy. We are the ultimate protectors.
There are so many things I want to accomplish in my career and live in full joy with my baby. How can I balance being his (and my) protector while letting go of my debilitating fears? I need positivity to energize me at work and in life, but I just can’t seem to tap into a positive mindset lately.
Scared mom: First: let’s just take a deep collective cleansing breath and release ourselves – woosah! Now that you’ve exhaled and released some of the stress you’ve been storing in your body: congratulations on joining the new mom club! And I don’t mean it’s all happy smiles and hugs. Welcome to a sisterhood of women who experience similar ups and downs, but too often suffer in silence. Thank you for having the courage to express what so many people feel without ever saying it. Know that you are not alone.
I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic birth experience. It sounds like you never really managed to heal and deal with what happened to you because you went straight into the relentless hamster wheel of mothering. Anyone could come away from an experience like that with trauma that, if left untreated, can form emotional and psychological patterns that don’t serve you. The same vigilance that saved your life can quickly become an unhealthy cycle of hyper vigilance that robs you of the joys of life.
You are in the midst of the most intense 24(ish) months of hormonal, physical, emotional, relational, and professional disruption that a human being can go through. Being pregnant, giving birth, keeping a baby alive, meeting the appalling maternity leave standards in the United States, all while recovering from a birth trauma that no one prepares you for or helps you recover from, requires so much strength. I hope you can give yourself some grace. Whatever pressure you feel to “be” or “act” a certain way, try letting go of that.
And I mean, really let it go. Shout it, shout it and ideally talk it over with a professional. If you can afford it, look for a therapist who has experience with new moms (ideally someone with lived experience who can relate). They can help rule out any formal diagnoses, such as postpartum anxiety, which isn’t discussed as much as postpartum depression and usually presents differently. If you can’t find a therapist or don’t have the energy to find one, go to your obstetrician-gynecologist who may be able to diagnose you or refer you to a mental health professional. I had a friend who suffered from postpartum anxiety for months before she was diagnosed. By then, it had already taken a toll on his mental health and his marriage.
Do you have a partner? If so, do they know everything you’ve been through? Do you have mom friends you can count on for support? You are not supposed to face the intersecting challenges of new active motherhood alone. No one is.
Be curious about what’s behind the constant worry and anxiety you feel. Set aside 10-20 non-negotiable minutes each day to journal as a self-check-in and try not to judge what’s happening. Over time, you may see patterns emerge that can help you gain clarity. Daily affirmations, mantras, and breathing exercises can also be helpful tools in times of acute anxiety when you feel like you’re losing control of your thoughts.
Whatever you do, don’t bury it or keep it to yourself. Contact us and get the help you need to face the challenges so you can better enjoy the blessings that come with motherhood.
