I had to bring my own dinner, as well as a dessert, and even brought some tortilla chips or rice crackers to be able to safely partake in the appetizers. But the hostess never seems happy that I bring things. At the same time, I’m expected to provide a side dish to share with guests, as well as help in the kitchen while that food I can’t eat is prepared and cleaned up.
There are usually no more than 12 people, and often less. It hurts me that she never tried, or even offered, to welcome me to those family dinners I’m supposed to attend. Thanksgiving turkey is only safe for me if no sauce is poured in before I get mine. She never provided any ingredient or menu information – whether there’s flour or butter in the sauces or sides, for example.
When I asked about the Christmas entree ahead of time, the hostess said there would be “lots of antipasto and salad for you”. I feel like I’m disturbing.
So I bring my own meal in a take-out container, feeling like I’m slipping it in, because she expects me to settle for only salad. The hostess sets her table like a magazine shoot, with the finest linens, crystal, and silverware. But after reheating my food in the microwave, I usually have to eat straight from that container to take to her perfectly laid holiday table!
Only in the past few years has she started placing my microwaved food on a plate in the kitchen and serving me like all the other guests. But still, it all seems very cold and insensitive. I feel hurt and left out, and I’ve dreaded those celebratory meals.
Am I expecting too much to be offered something other than salami, celery, carrots, olives and a green salad while everyone eats the main course of homemade lasagna or ziti in the oven?
I think it’s rude to expect people with legitimate dietary restrictions (not a passing fad diet) to whip up a meal out of a few bites of cold appetizers while watching everyone enjoy a delicious hot meal. What do you think?
that you should make other plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Miss Manners understands that people want traditional dishes for the holidays. She sympathizes with hosts who are expected to produce individual menus for a variety of needs or requests. She acknowledges the annoyance of having others take over the kitchen with their offerings, altering a well-planned menu.
But the callousness of refusing to take in a parent – and one who has gone to the lengths to avoid being an embarrassment – is staggering. Do the goals of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas mean nothing to these people?
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday to Saturday at washingtonpost.com/board. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
