My problem is when people ask me, “Why? No one else is asking me to take off my hat. Why is it important?” These young minds are not satisfied with the answer “because it is the right thing to do”.
I told them that when you wear your hat inside it gives the impression that you are in a hurry to leave. This makes your host (or teacher) think that you don’t want to be around them, and that would be rude.
Can you help me with an improved or more complete answer? Or is it really not important after all, and should I just let these youngsters blend in with the hat crowd?
While appreciating your efforts to teach civility to your students and children, Miss Manners is grateful for the opportunity to help you do this on a deeper level. Otherwise, you might have difficult questions.
What if a Jewish student says he (but not his sister) has to cover his head in his synagogue as a sign of respect? What if a Catholic student says her grandmother remembers when she (but not Grandfather) had to cover her head in church? What if students reported examples where it would be inappropriate, whether for cultural or religious reasons, not to wear turbans or headscarves?
“Oh! the most brilliant will say: “It shows that all these rules are arbitrary.” And they would be right.
But — here is the most profound lesson — this does not mean that the customs of a given society can be ignored with impunity. Symbols are always arbitrary but can nonetheless carry great emotional weight. A hat – or not – could be extremely offensive, given the setting and the circumstances.
Now we complicate things even further by introducing an element of time and gender. The traditional American rule was that gentlemen had to remove their hats indoors. But for ladies, wearing a hat indoors – at lunch, for example – was appropriate. (Girls can try to use it to pretend they can wear their baseball cap to class, but no, this does not apply to unisex and/or athletic wear.)
Are any of these rules still in effect?
Rules based on morality remain valid no matter how many people disobey them, just as the prevalence of crime does not make it legal. But symbolism only works when the meaning is generally recognized.
Miss Manners hears from Gentle Readers who object to violations of these hat rules, so she thinks the code is still being read. But it would be an interesting research project for your students.
You will have to teach them that the question is not whether people approve of these rules, but whether they even know them; that they must ask the question in a non-prejudicial way; and that they should ask people of different ages.
Miss Manners apologizes for doing more homework for you.
New Miss Manners columns are published Monday to Saturday at washingtonpost.com/board. You can send questions to Miss Manners on her website, MissManners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
