My best friend in the whole world, who has been trying to get pregnant with her wife for a while, called me and said she was pregnant last week. I am EXCITED for her! But it also brings back waves of grief.
My best friend and her wife were each able to talk to someone about the pregnancy – for support during the first few months and also to make sure they are not isolated/alone if something happens in the first few months – and I am his only person. So I can’t walk away from her now; she needs me and i really want to be there for her. And BFF is aware of our decision and knows that I have a hard time with it. And I’m so thankful for her presence in my life — she’s the only friend who doesn’t tell me about how awful kids are to try to “cheer me up” about not having kids.
I know the only way to get over my grief is to go through it, but I wonder if you can give me any tips to support me and be full of joy with my friend while I also grieve the fact that I will never have child of mine.
Mourning : Oh I am sorry. Sounds like you need your own “person” to lean on. Not this friend, of course, and not your wife, but someone outside the whirlwind of emotions. Your therapist may be the right person, although you may mentally view your sessions as where you throw all the hard stuff to justify yourself being supportive. For example, create a visual – a bucket that you empty? table you erase? And have a tangible clue or reference handy to help you get back to that point if you feel yourself sinking into sadness.
You can also thank her for giving you that huge BFF vote of confidence, vow to keep trying to live up to it, and always suggest that she choose a back-up support person, as you work through your own grief.
One thing you didn’t ask, but it’s something I’ve said before that’s relevant here because I actually object to the decision that caused this near-torture: the ” a friend who’s sworn to secrecy because something might happen in the first few months? It’s driving me nuts. Well, maybe that’s overkill… but the idea that the information has to be on Lockdown until at week 12 is a kind of stickiness that goes way too long.
Yes, a lot of things can happen during a pregnancy, and yes, a lot of things that happen happen more often during the first tri, and yes, it’s painful to go from sharing good news to having to share news of pregnancy loss. It is terrible and there is a real origin to the practice.
But over the years I have seen so many contortions made in the name of protecting this news embargo so absolutely!!! that seems out of proportion. Tell your innermost circle, the handle people you would like to know good news Where wrong. Trust them and trust yourself to relinquish full control of the news. It’s just a kinder thing to ask our loved ones, even those who aren’t grieving exactly what they’re being asked to celebrate.