I try to focus more on his humor, his learning new things, and his kindness. But this world often has different priorities for girls, and she seems to have internalized many of them. How can I redirect her or others when this happens?
Anonymous: Other than a serious talk with your family – “Help me out here, people” – there’s (unfortunately) little you can do to focus on ambient appearance. As such, trying stopping it through redirection will be embarrassing, futile and possibly counterproductive for your daughter. “Oh, your daughter is so beautiful!” “Yes, she’s smart too!” Ugh. Not that you would be that clumsy, but a clever child will also see through the subtlety. Just say “thank you” and move on.
Plus, making counterpoints risks signaling to her that you disagree with her, which can mess with her head as deeply as an appearance-obsessed society can, and then some.
So just think about strengthening your home, your values, and the environment you can control. Make sure she participates in activities that take the focus away from herself – volunteer work, for example, or learning to contribute fully within a household, or completing chores stimulating and cooperative as a team playing sports or training a dog or playing music. Encourage reading and creativity, talk about the shows you watch together, go to the museum, get out in nature.
She may not appreciate these things with the enthusiasm she has for her own beauty and that of others. Aesthetics also have value. But if you take care to cultivate alternatives as part of a busy life, they will all be there for her when, inevitably, a value system seems to let her down.
Hello Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law are having a baby. This is their first and probably only baby given their age. My sister-in-law told me she didn’t want any visitors when the baby arrived.
I live 30 minutes away and I don’t know when I will be able to meet him. How can I get over the hurt feeling of being treated like a “visitor” and be excited about the baby?
Hurt: You are a visitor! Even if you are a loved one, you are outside the circle of three. It’s not personal. A new baby is a life-consuming upheaval, and chances are the couple received advice on clearing the decks in advance. It’s smart for them to do this, because finding out they’re actually ready to have guests and then inviting people to visit them is MUCH easier than finding out they’re not ready and having to kick them out. people or uninvite them.
The best uncle/aunt material is long on flexibility and short on grudges. Well done.
· I understand; I wasn’t in that first inner circle to welcome my brother’s baby. But the relationship isn’t about the very first little newborn, it’s about helping your nibling discover the larger world of your family a little later.
· I understand that asking to stay away may seem harsh, but it really helps new parents evaluate what they need in a time of tremendous transitions, needs, and emotions.
