She dealt with depression and always struggled with change, so that could be one of them, but these calls are very hard on me. The pandemic drove her crazy and she shares how it hurt her. She doesn’t understand that we feel the same, just like everyone else in the universe.
I had to step away from the phone last night because she was causing me so much anxiety. I want to be empathetic and attentive, but I don’t know how to do it when she’s in one of those negative phases.
In a Funk: It looks like dumping.
Parents are the usual target, even when the “kids” are 28 years old. the formalities of asking questions or expressing sympathy or exchanging ideas. It’s not a great rule and best used sparingly – even the most doting parent will be giddy at the thought of a life as a designated dump – but there’s something good about it, for those who have a forgiving parent or mentor, to know that you can always call sometimes and go aaaaaaa for 20 minutes not for advice but just to say aaaaaaa and then hang up and feel better.
The thing about dumping is that the dumper often worries for hours or days after the dumper leaves relieved. That – the last part, at least – is the point. Unload.
If this is indeed your daughter’s flaw, then perhaps just acknowledging this as her coping strategy is enough for you to free yourself of the burden as well. She doesn’t hate the prospective employer; she’s just nervous about not getting the job or not being able to handle the job. She is not oblivious to the pandemic suffering of others; she’s just overwhelmed by hers today. etc
If simply identifying your role in this transaction is not enough to relieve your anxiety, then you can take more deliberate steps to reduce these burdens. First, at a time when you know she’s not angry, ask your daughter for clear instructions. As in: “I know you call us to relieve you of stress, and I’m glad you trust us. I’m not always sure, however, what I can say that would be helpful. Would you like some advice , brainstorming, reassurance, just someone to listen?” A protocol could help both of you Leave prompts on a card, even next to your favorite telephone chair.
Second, develop your own ritual for dealing with these calls: for example, only make supportive sounds, don’t try to fix anything, and do ______ afterward, where ______ is something you personally find restorative and that you can easily do after each of his transition calls. exit dumpee mode.
Third, if others are failing: explain this to him at a non-stressful time and ask him to clear out differently, or less, or someone better qualified to help him – or have your co-parent handle these solo calls when you get anxious. You already did it last night, didn’t you? So ask your partner to formalize it.
Therapy for you can also help.
However you choose to preserve yourself here, the key is to recognize you have the right. And will be more supportive of it. Helping your daughter unburden herself doesn’t require you to take on her burdens yourself.
Dear Caroline: I am not religious. How do you respond to people who say they “pray for me”? I’m always at a loss for words, but I usually respond by saying, “Thank you,” while feeling like a hypocrite.
Not religious: They give you their concern and their attention, for which thanking them is not at all hypocritical.
You can specify what you are thanking them for, if that helps: “Thank you for thinking of me”; “Thank you for your concern”; “Thanks to be here.” You don’t say to the person who buys you a sweater: “it’s too small, I hate the color and the wool is itchy”. You say, “Thank you.”
It gets complicated when the context indicates that a “gift” is more of an act of recklessness or even hostility — when, say, they mock your veganism and then buy you Omaha steaks. Then you exit the thank you script, obviously, and deal with the problem head-on.
When in doubt, assume their best intentions. Presumably those praying for you weren’t just trying to get you out of your beliefs? Even then, you can choose to make the remedy smaller than the transgression. “Thank you – it can’t hurt to hedge my bets.”