My mom feels really bad about this and blames herself, but I know she’s done her best to deal with her own eating disorder.
I’m serious with my boyfriend now, and the question of the children came up. I don’t see how I could ever be relaxed with my kids when it comes to food. Also, there is no doubt that eating disorders run in my family; my cousins all have weight issues and two have been diagnosed with eating disorders.
For this reason, I think it would be irresponsible to have children or even to adopt. My boyfriend embraces the idea of a childless life. He has health issues that run in his family, and his job is demanding, so he says he doesn’t think he could be the kind of father he should be, anyway.
Mom begs me to reconsider, is discouraged by my decision and blames herself once again. What can I do to help her see that this is the right choice for me and that she hasn’t “ruined my life”?
I don’t blame her: I hope you don’t mind me saying that your hard work seems to have gotten you to a really good, centered and lucid place. It is not easy. Hats off.
As for your mom, she can only beg you if you give her the time and space to keep talking about it. So don’t. It’s the same as for the other limits: state your decision clearly and definitively if you haven’t already done so (it looks like you have); clearly and definitively state that it’s your decision, not her fault (“Mom, I love my life this way; it’s not your fault, and it’s not your place to tell me it’s not is not a good life”); say you won’t discuss this with her again; and end all conversations calmly, kindly and immediately, by the easiest means available.
So phone: “I have to go, we’ll talk later.” Click on.
In person: “Next topic”. If she doesn’t comply, change the subject and if she doesn’t comply, leave the room.
On social media: ignore, delete or hide posts.
Note that there is no “help him see” set of steps. Don’t discuss it, ever, is helping him to see that this choice is not open to debate. And live the good life you made for yourself is help her see that it’s not messed up and that your choices were right for you. She can choose either to remain discouraged in her own view of what could be, or to join you in your real contentment. It’s up to her to decide.
