I had asked Annie to consider a more child-friendly marriage, but she got upset and pointed out that my own marriage had been childless. I tried to explain the difference – most of his friends now had children under 10. But she couldn’t see the reason and froze three of us, all with children, who missed her wedding after she had done so much for us. And I admit that she did a lot: throw showers, run errands, make centerpieces, decorate receptions, work.
Our friendship hasn’t really survived its hurt feelings, and aside from social media, we don’t interact these days. I miss her and would like to renew the friendship. Where to start ? Can I just say I miss her and go from there, without dwelling on the past?
I miss my friend: “But she couldn’t see the reason.”
Call her when you know why you owe her an apology and you can make one for the fun of it, without expecting anything from her in return.
I had a million babies all at once, so I know what you’re talking about. But you didn’t even recognize the injustice of the moment that meant you couldn’t return all the wonderful and greatly appreciated favors she had done for you. Instead, you took her in turn to have her friends celebrate her by… asking her to sacrifice herself for you again. Awful. And when she said no, as she had every right to, you didn’t take no for an answer and tried to correct her thinking to your advantage. Then I didn’t show it.
Don’t blame her hurt feelings. Friendship did not survive your choices.
And there’s nothing to “rehash” because you were so irrelevant to bring it to the hash point in the first place. A big apology, shrouded in humility and the wisdom of the years that followed, or leave her alone.
Re: Anne: I kind of feel the “people who aren’t parents can’t understand” angle. I encourage “Missing” not to go in that direction. I have three very young children and my first thought was, what have they tried? Creative solutions? Mom is going alone? If you are breastfeeding another parent joins but stays at the hotel? Looking harder for a babysitter? Parents don’t have to do these things, but when a friend goes above and beyond like Annie did, it’s worth remembering.
Frankly, it looks like a bunch of friends boycotted the wedding because there were no kids, and I find that annoying. My toddler would be adorable at a wedding. For five minutes. I fully understand “no children”.
Anonymous: Yes, I felt that too and was thinking of similar solutions. And even if it weren’t possible, trying like hell to accommodate the best friend bride before giving up on the idea is as strong a message as any. It’s “I tried all to be there for you as you have been for me”, vs., “I tried everything to make you accommodate me. Thank you.