What can I do to make myself kinder and more loving to him? I tried therapy, which didn’t help. Help me to love my husband again.
Irritable: Can you afford and logistically manage some time where you live apart? I’m not talking about a legal separation; I mean things like alternating solo vacations with those you take together, or studying for x weeks in a program, or spending a season in one place while your husband spends it in another.
This is where split interests are a lifeline. One loves golf and the other loves museums, one loves visiting cities and the other loves fishing in the mountains, etc. more likely to be restorative for your relationship. When you get to exercise some autonomy that you haven’t had in a while, it’s easy to see how you could come back to each other feeling refreshed. No promises, but worth a try.
And if it’s about you, not him (hence your impatience with “everyone”), you can also see that more clearly.
Because there is a strong undercurrent of socialization against it, he might take offense to it, even though he would benefit from it as much as you.
But to give you some courage, think of all the ways people have found that space away from their spouse over the years that had the appearance of social acceptability: men’s and women’s clubs, golf/fishing /shopping/lunch on weekends, workaholic tendencies, volunteering at church. Think of the whole repertoire of mid-century battle-of-the-gender-type yuk-yuk jokes, and beneath the sexism, you can see the ground of reality: that too much togetherness can be hard on a couple, and we don’t. know for a very long time.
Are we not (too) obliged to have more realistic expectations, and to take these restorative measures loud and clear?
· Re: “more irritable and more angry. …I think I want to live alone”: I have never heard a clearer statement from an introvert that does not spend enough time alone, and with it the ability to reclaim some socializing energy.
If this resonates with you, can you create a moment of calm and solitude in your life on a usual base? Even an hour a day is extremely helpful. As is the case in a room in your house, you can relax hoping that no one will invade it and attract more people. Even the ones you love. Because even the people you love consume your social energy.
· You don’t mention how he is or how nice he is to you. Think about what you really want at this point in your life. What does happiness or contentment look like. Who you want to be, including being satisfied with your interactions with others. If you’re grumpy because you’re not living a satisfying life, take some time with your values to see what might be possible.
