I didn’t expect these feelings to be so heavy and intimidating, but they are and now I find myself paralyzed rather than joyful. Do you have any advice? How do I change my boss babe’s mindset in this new season and trust the timing of God’s plan? I pray a lot but stay up at night and worry. I feel very lost and embarrassed to speak out loud about what I wrote here.
— Pregnant and paralyzed with fear
Pregnant and paralyzed by fear: You’re not alone. At this exact time last year, I was curled up at 3 a.m., stuck in a similar pregnancy-induced doom spiral. Those feelings you’re describing—being frozen in fear, isolated, and riddled with anxiety—are as normal a reaction to pregnancy as the excitement and joy you’re supposed to feel. It’s just that nobody talks about that part. The fact that you and your husband have been trying to have this baby for so many years probably compounds the problem. Adapting to new realities is a process that takes time.
It’s not your fault you didn’t expect the grief to be so heavy. Stories about the physical implications of pregnancy abound. We can mentally prepare for morning sickness and weird cravings, but nobody talks about the identity crisis that comes around pregnancy. Yet they are just as common, if not more common, than morning sickness. Nobody tells you how hard it is to sleep knowing that your whole life and identity is about to change. Silence is what makes us all think we’re the only ones feeling this. And so the cycle of shame continues.
Thank you for breaking this cycle by opening this dialogue around an all-too-common but unseen mix of emotions that many new parents – especially working mothers – feel. Know that this burden is not yours to bear alone – it is shared by generations of working women whose lives and careers have suffered the inevitable impact of motherhood.
These fears are not just a figment of your imagination; they are informed by a very real disparity. On average, working mothers earn 58 cents for every dollar that working fathers earn. And that gap is even bigger for moms of color.
No matter how much we continue to bend over while stretched at every angle inside a swollen body, the facts remain: until the world catches up with our aspirations for equality, mothers who workers will continue to be particularly vulnerable to a failing health care system, lack of affordable childcare, and fundamentally flawed paid vacation policies that favor single working men in every measurable way. With the chips stacked against working mothers, it’s hard to imagine how an already busy life could adequately adjust to the added responsibility that comes with these overwhelming realities.
I don’t have all the answers, but what I can say is this: just as your body expands and contracts to adapt to the big changes ahead, so does your life. Sometimes the contractions are the most painful part – and I’m not talking about the labor pains we hear about all the time. There will be parts of your world that will necessarily shrink, filtering out that which is no longer useful, healthy, or sustainable as new life grows within. But it will grow again, with a new perspective.
Although you sometimes feel like you are mourning the loss of your life as you know it, trust that you are in full bloom. It is said that when you give birth to a baby, you also give birth to a new you. So expect to discover new parts of yourself that could alter your current definition of success. Although motherhood is the greatest of sacrifices, consider the possibility that what you gain far exceeds anything you will ever give up. Remember: a temporary hiatus in your career growth doesn’t have to interfere with your long-term career goals. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
In the meantime, don’t bottle up your feelings. And please stop judging yourself for having them. When I forced myself out of my prison of silence during a difficult pregnancy, because the anguish was overwhelming and I couldn’t keep pretending everything was okay, three things happened: 1. The suffocating weight of my anxiety lost some of its power over me once I realized I wasn’t alone in it. 2. I was able to access more joy, gratitude and admiration surrounding this transformational life experience. 3. It freed up space for me to plan the support I needed.
Until you are ready to invite your own trusted support system to help carry some of this emotional weight that you are carrying, I wanted you to hear from other dynamic working mothers who have been where you are. and can help you navigate what awaits you:
“I promise a new perspective awaits on the other side of your anxiety. Once the baby is born, we step into a whole new world of lived experiences. Trust that you will discover a new rhythm that makes that this pivot feels more like a beginning than an end. In the meantime, go back to your “why” of wanting to start a family in the first place. Ground yourself in deep gratitude for an organization that has listened and carried out your wishes. Choose to see this as a beautiful intervention — Chloé Louvouezo, author and mother of a 6-year-old child
“I told myself that I owe it to my daughter to show her that I can be a whole person with a career and hustle and bustle, friends and dreams. and be a good mom. I only set this intention because I too had this fear of having to sacrifice part of my life for another. The idea of ”giving up” on being a Boss Babe™️ because you’re a mom is a real to fear. But you can still be a “boss babe” with a baby if that’s what you want. So many people do it!” — Michele Foss-Snowden, PhD, teacher and mom of 3-year-old
