After numerous therapies, I still cringe when I hear his name. My daughter has a good relationship with her father. I’m happy about it, but I can’t stand the idea of an innocent baby being named after someone I consider a monster.
On the one hand, I want to tell my daughter about her father so she can choose another middle name. On the other hand, I’m afraid of selfishly causing unwanted trouble and think I should stay quiet. Your thoughts?
K: Protecting a child’s respect for his father while he is young is the right thing to do, as long as you know the child is safe. Now that your daughter is an adult, you should be more open. There are valid reasons to disclose your ex-husband’s history of addiction to your daughter.
Drug and alcohol abuse could explain (but not excuse) some of his out-of-control behavior during your marriage. Addiction could answer some unanswered questions your daughter has from her own experiences with her father. And addiction seems to run in some families, so your daughter should know about it.
You must answer any question honestly, but in my opinion you must keep in mind that a child benefits from an attachment to a parent (even a deeply imperfect one), while an adult has the duty and responsibility to make your own decisions about yours. relationships. So no, don’t describe his father as a “monster”, even if his behavior was monstrous.
This wouldn’t necessarily lead to him choosing another middle name for his child and would box you both into a corner. You need to completely separate the conversation about your past from the conversation about the middle name, because when it comes to their child’s name, parents get to choose, and if you don’t like the name they choose, then … too bad.
Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend “Anthony” for three years. We met in college and moved in together after graduation. I absolutely adore him and he and I are very compatible and very kind and loving to each other. Our families know each other and get along well.
Anthony recently told me that he doesn’t see himself ever getting married. His parents divorced when he was a child and each remarried other people. I’ve never heard of any discord there and Anthony seems to have a decent relationship with his parents and in-laws.
When Anthony made his statement, he spoke as if we were just casual friends, sitting around and discussing hypotheticals. I’m quite upset to hear this and don’t know what to do now. Your advice?
Sad: You and “Anthony” live together. You are romantic partners. His tone may have seemed casual, but I suspect he said that deliberately. He tells you something extremely important about his position.
If you’re looking forward to getting married (and it sounds like you are), you really need to have a very serious conversation about it. Is he planning to stay with you in an exclusive committed partnership for a very long time? Is he interested in starting a family?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Difficult conversations and choices await you.
Dear Amy: “At a loss” described how her husband seemed to resent her closeness to his adult children. You are right: his behavior is concerning. Now that At A Loss is retired, his social relationships are important to his safety and well-being -be. Abusers work hard to alienate their victims.
My ex-husband did this. A healthy, caring spouse would not avoid their own children or seek to distance them from their own.
Survivor: This husband seemed quite jealous of his wife’s affectionate attachment to his children. This does not bode well for their future.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
