We agreed to go slow, which I think is healthy and generally a positive outcome. My concern concerns my parents, with whom I speak frequently.
I’m not mad at them and want to respect their privacy and their choice not to tell me, and I’m afraid this news will negatively impact my relationship with them.
I also have teenagers who (currently) don’t know any of this! What are your thoughts?
the girl: This is a major discovery, and you are right to approach it in a thoughtful way. I see the challenge for you occurring on two levels – the first involving disclosure, and the second (and I suspect more difficult) involving that new relationship you seem interested in building with your DNA donor.
I guess as a daughter and a parent, you could understand that this new relationship could prove confusing – or threatening – for your parents.
Meet your parents in person. Tell them that you did DNA ancestry testing (like many other people) and it revealed this surprise about your DNA. Thank them sincerely for taking this step to give birth to you and send them your deep love. Tell them you appreciate their privacy and ask if they would like to tell you anything about the process.
Then I think you should sit on it for a bit and let them absorb this news.
If they ask if you are in contact with your DNA donor, tell them the truth – that you have and that you have disclosed your medical history.
I caution you not to refer to your DNA donor as your “biological father”, and I will not divulge the relationship you seem to want to build until the time is up.
You may have DNA-bound siblings and a host of new contacts and relationships to settle, but the one with your parents should be paramount and you should strive to be respectful and reassuring to them.
It’s a teachable time for your children, and the lesson you need to pass on is that life is beautiful, complicated, and surprising. Leading with honesty and love is the best we can do.
dear Amy: I am in my thirties. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months and I just celebrated an anniversary.
Due to work conflicts and out-of-town guests, we were unable to see each other during my birthday week. I know he’s not good at remembering dates.
However, all he gave me was a card – no gift or invitation to dinner.
I’m not a materialistic person who needs someone to shower me with gifts, but at least I think so.‘It’s nice to do a little something, even if it’s an overdue bouquet of flowers. Am I overreacting? Should I be embarrassed?
I’m afraid to talk about it at the risk of sounding petty.
Not talented: Your boyfriend is actually good at remembering dates. He remembered your birthday and gave you a card. I hope you have expressed to him that this gesture touched you.
The first steps in a serious relationship are when both parties communicate their values and preferences.
I think you may be overreacting, but you’re also trying to find balance in a relatively new relationship.
You could say, “Thank you so much for remembering my birthday. It meant a lot. Would you be willing to take me out for a late birthday dinner too? I would really like to celebrate with you.
dear Amy: “Concernedhas an alcoholic sister who is a nanny and drinks on the job. I couldn’t believe you failed to advise Worried to consider attending Al-Anon meetings!
upset: Al-anon.org is a valuable “friends and family” resource for those affected by the drinking of a loved one.
Worried was most concerned about her ‘ethical and moral obligation’ to tell parents about her sister’s risky behavior while working as a nanny. I thought it was very important to fix this problem.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency
