It happens almost every day, and has for years.
I am not proud of my actions. I am filled with shame and sadness over the way I handled things and the emotional damage I caused.
I’m afraid it made her insecure and not as outgoing or happy as she might have been with a kinder mother.
I feel like once she gets to college, I will have missed my chance to heal my relationship and help her feel more confident and have better self-esteem.
I think if I hadn’t been so mean, she would have become a more confident young woman.
I also think she suffers from depression. Every time I make her cry, I feel bad. What should I do?
— Bad Mom in the Midwest
bad mom: The first step to change is recognizing your negative pattern. Then you need to do something about it.
Yelling isn’t necessarily the heart of the problem. What you say has more impact than how loud you say it.
Personal bashing will be etched in your daughter’s heart, and if you do this, you need to stop immediately.
When you’re frustrated, use “I” statements: “I get so frustrated when it seems like you’re not listening” vs. “You never listen.” That’s why your grades are so bad.
Your daughter is crying because she’s upset and doesn’t have the language—or doesn’t feel safe—to describe her feelings. She should be screened for depression.
I shared your question with Kimberly Kopko, Ph.D., director of the Parenting Project at Cornell University.
She replies, “It’s not too late to try to make amends and navigate a new way of communicating. Knowing that you are sorry and determined to make changes will probably be the most powerful message you can send to him.
“I highly recommend a parenting course for teenage parents. These classes are usually offered at community service organizations or local schools.
“The benefits of parenting education are well documented and include improvements in parents’ confidence, competence and parenting satisfaction and increases in positive language and discipline practices. Your daughter will benefit from improved interactions with you, which will help regulate her behavior.
“You may not feel like you have much influence over your daughter, but her behavior is strongly correlated to the bond she has with you.
You can also discuss your situation with a family therapist and include your daughter in the sessions.
Finally, don’t lose hope! Your commitment to change is commendable.
dear Amy: Last month, our only child, my 32-year-old daughter, suffered a brain injury due to a birth defect.
She was in a coma and is now a walking miracle. Her work family has been so helpful and supportive.
Her boss opened a GoFundMe account for her and also organized emergency funds for her. How do we thank everyone?
Some donors are also anonymous.
Grateful: GoFundMe.com has a helpful guide to thanking every donor. You should do so quickly and personally through the site, acknowledging the donation, expressing your deep gratitude and letting the donor know how their donation was used: “Thanks to your generosity, we were able to pay for her rent and medical bills. . A huge weight has been lifted from our family and we are so grateful. We know Madeline loves her work family and she can’t wait to thank you in person.
Plus, post updates to the site so donors can follow your daughter’s progress.
You should also send a handwritten note to her boss, expressing your deep appreciation for her compassion and kindness, and asking her to share this with others in the office. Let them know that they all share the joy of your daughter’s miracle.
dear Amy: “Woman looking for answers“has a husband who is passive-aggressive and controlling and doesn’t care about his wife except to the extent that she tolerates his nonsense.
Personally, I’d tell her we’re in therapy or we’re breaking up. Then follow.
Anyone can change and grow if they are willing to do the work.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency
