My reaction was, “Well, those women are not my friends. I lost my beloved husband eight months ago and none of them reached out to me for lunch or dinner. Also, if they have a problem with me, why didn’t they come to me directly? Why are they hiding behind you?
I leave some time to our coordinator because her husband is seriously ill.
What do you think of my proposed response at the end of our next reading meeting? I’ll say, “Well, ladies, I’m so busy with guests and other commitments, plus I’m trying to finish writing my book, so I’m going to have to take a break for a while. But I will come back. Oh, and by the way, thank you for all the many invitations to join you for lunch or dinner. I was deprived when my husband passed away, so it meant a lot to me.
Of course, I have no intention of going back! These are mean women that I never see, anyway. I have sons visiting, two good friends here, and several distant friends I have good conversations with.
So that’s enough for me.
well read: You have been told that your behavior is erratic. You were told you nearly ran someone off the road.
It is extremely difficult to hear. Extremely. Your hurt and defensive reaction created a smokescreen, where you completely glossed over this potentially important information. What’s up with you?
You know you are grieving. You are angry. These people did not personally reach out to you at your most vulnerable stage. No, they are not your friends, but they expressed concern about you through a third party.
Your proposed answer is satisfyingly sarcastic, but not honest.
I hope you can sit with this and release your own anger. If you choose to respond, use honest “I” statements: “It hurts. I am in mourning. I am disappointed and upset. But please, I’m trying to be honest. I need to talk about it.
If you are determined to leave the group, you do not need to give a reason.
But please don’t withdraw from your friendships.
dear Amy: My daughter and my family live outside the country. Last time they visited was before covid-19 restrictions.
They are planning a spring trip. When they last visited three years ago, I made the mistake of telling a friend on the phone that it was difficult to have guests over for an extended period of time.
My daughter heard me and, of course, was very offended. I have since apologized several times for this and thought we were fine, but was informed that they will not be staying with me when they visit.
My heart is broken. I will miss so many things if they are not there.
My daughter won’t change her mind. How can I overcome this and take advantage of the time given to me?
Sad: Accept your daughter’s choice. Don’t act with a broken heart.
If she and the kids stay close, you won’t necessarily miss too much.
If you have a local public pool, you can get a temporary family membership. Ask your daughter if she would like to have dinner at your house. The children may want to spend a few nights with you.
It could actually work well for everyone, and you should approach it with a positive attitude.
dear Amy: “Fashionable hurt feelingswas the subject of criticism from her family members because she and her fiancé chose “arty” clothes to wear at their wedding.
Thanks for telling them to go!
Anyone’s wedding should reflect their style and choices. When I look at my wedding photos (from the 1970s, we were so groovy!), I smile.
Always Grooving: I like your style.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency