Unfortunately, my brother passed away suddenly a few years ago. He was still a relatively young man. My SIL still maintained cordial and infrequent contact around major events (kids’ graduation, my father’s death), but that’s it. About a year ago, my SIL married an old flame from college. She moved to her town, some distance away. We lost all contact. It wasn’t just us: she and her children essentially “ghosted” their paternal grandparents, which was a source of great pain for my late father.
Strangely, last week I learned that my SIL and her daughter (the same age as one of my children) had moved again, six months ago. They now live less than a 10 minute drive from me. I guess the previous move and marriage didn’t work out.
I try very hard to sympathize with her: maybe they have just suffered another in a series of terrible situations. But then, why pretend that my family and I don’t exist? Why not make an effort? My wife is furious and is considering no longer giving graduation/wedding gifts to the nieces/nephews in this part of the “family”.
Uncle: I wonder why you ghost your nieces/nephews. Their father died suddenly. They were transferred to a distant city for a marriage that proved to be very short-lived. Then they moved again.
Were you ever a teenager? (I assume this is the ages of these children.) Would you have made contact with your aunt and uncle if there had been sporadic contact in the years following the death of a parent – then no contact for at least a year?
Your sister-in-law may be depressed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, introverted, or just doesn’t like you very much. She was unable to stay in touch with her children’s relatives. What’s your excuse?
You should reach out in any way you can. Express your excitement that they are so close and offer to lend a hand/get together. Your wife’s idea of punishing these children by not celebrating their milestones is not kind. I hope you both choose to behave differently in order to show your nieces and nephews how to be a family.
UPDATE: I wrote to you as a “ghost uncle” regarding how my late brother’s wife and children had cut off all contact with my family.
Things are largely unchanged. After your advice scolded me, I tried for a while. My efforts were never reciprocated or apparently appreciated. Last year I sent back two wedding invitations and a graduation announcement because I really don’t want anything to do with them at this point.
Sometimes other family members told me that my former sister-in-law and her children had a lot of personal problems; in recent years, I have requested that they not share any of these statements with me.
So there’s not much new. I will say that I would have appreciated it if you had shown me a fraction of the empathy you showed towards my former sister-in-law. But like I said at the time, I asked for your opinion, so I got it.
A: Thank you for providing this update. Most of the updates I receive from readers suggest positive change, and while that makes me happy, I suspect that most of the people who write to me have experiences closer to yours. I also understand your criticism of my response and appreciate your willingness to take me to task. My focus was on you trying to stay in touch with the younger members of the family – not necessarily their mother.
However, I must point out that even though you say your efforts were not reciprocated or appreciated, these young family members invited you to two weddings and a graduation. You refused these invitations. These invitations are the essence of reciprocity. These are connection offers, much like the ones you made. And now it’s their turn to feel rejected.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
