dear Amy: I worked intermittently as an independent consultant for a non-profit organization.
I work from a home office and occasionally meet with association employees. I also meet clients. Recently, the organization hired a new director; I was working as a consultant on a project for the organization at the time. Shortly after being hired, the new manager asked to have lunch with me. The new manager and I went to a nearby restaurant to talk about possible future plans, etc.
At the end of lunch, as we were saying goodbye on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, I reached out to shake his hand.
Suddenly, he pulled me towards him and kissed me full on the lips.
I was so shocked that I said a weak goodbye and left him standing there.
I ended my assignment feeling uneasy and wondering if I wanted to work with him in the future. This is not a decision I can take lightly as there are very few job opportunities in my area of expertise, and now I don’t know what to do.
Amy, I would appreciate your perspective on this situation. I wonder if he has a problem that should be reported to the board.
I also wonder if I’m doing too much. Am I?
kissed: Addressing the question of whether you’re overdoing it: Do your other colleagues and clients kiss you on the lips after a business meeting? Does this director kiss his male colleagues and consultants on the mouth after a meeting?
I guess the answer to both questions is no.
People who are subjected to unwanted sexual touching often wonder if they are overreacting. They are often also encouraged to doubt their own instincts.
There’s a common-sense limit around business meetings, and it’s not really difficult or confusing to stay within the limit. Physical contact after a business meeting should be limited to a handshake.
Yes, I believe you should write a letter to the board regarding this new employee.
Explain in very simple language what happened, i.e.: “At the end of our business lunch, when I held out my hand to shake his, Mr. Smith pulled over to him and kissed me on the lips. I was shocked at the time and upon reflection I continue to be concerned about his conduct. In my experience as a consultant for this organization, I have always conducted myself in a professional manner and so far have always been treated with professionalism and respect.
If the board handles this well, expect to rekindle your business relationship and work with the organization in the future. (December 2012)
dear Amy: Your answer to “Kissed Consultant” was far from the truth. This consultant has been kissed by a new director of the association for which she was a consultant, and you want her to warn the board of directors?
What if he was misinterpreting her signals, or if he was from another culture and didn’t know any better?
Appalled: This man should already know not to approach a business associate and kiss her on the mouth after their first meeting.
One way to educate him would be for the board to let him know what is and is not acceptable business conduct. (December 2012)
dear Amy: I know you were criticized for your response to the “Kissed Consultant”, which said that a male director of the nonprofit she was consulting for kissed her on the lips after a business lunch . You suggested that he inform the board of directors of this man’s actions.
I thought your comments were correct. When this happened to me, I reported it to my boss (it was her boss kissing). He spoke to his boss, who apologized.
Come: Unless this sort of thing has happened to you, I don’t know if people can relate to what a violation this is from an associate who, by the way, is also a complete stranger.
Whatever the intention, it is not an affectionate or friendly act, but an act that appears aggressive. It is highly inappropriate. (December 2012)
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