Eric showed up at my apartment recently and asked to speak to me. He said he made a big mistake, the marriage was a disaster and they separated after less than five months. He said he got caught up in a whirlwind romance and lost his mind. He immediately knew it was a mistake and wished he could marry me. As soon as his divorce is final, he wants to marry me.
Is it crazy that I’m considering saying yes? He is the love of my life and I haven’t met anyone else that I fit in with like he does. He even bought me a beautiful vintage ruby ring – exactly what I would have chosen. I feel like I have nothing to lose by trying. However, people tell me he needs a breather between marriages, and I’d be crazy to go through with it. Is it so crazy to take a leap of faith with the man I still love?
Back story: Wait, he bought you an engagement ring while he was still married?! Oh no no no. But before you talk to him, you need to think about yourself: why are you willing to get involved again with someone who goes abroad, comes back married and immediately professes his love to someone else? What would you say to a friend who is considering dating a man who is still married?
Please don’t accept this ring now – or in the near future. You both need to work on this relationship. I agree with your friends that moving from one marriage to another is not a good idea. Until you both understand why he “wasn’t ready” with you before, and what keeps him from getting “caught up in a whirlwind romance and losing his mind” again, you won’t. you’re not ready to get engaged.
Back story: It’s not crazy, it’s romantic. How many of us actually get a second chance with someone we’ve loved and lost? The ongoing separation, the presentation of a ring, and the heartfelt confession in person indicate that he is serious and not just weighing his options. Contrast these actions with those of a prodigal ex who was still married but “talking” about divorce, sent you a Temu gimmick, and slid into your DMs to test the waters.
You had been together for five years, which is a considerable amount of time to know someone’s heart – and I assume his finalized divorce and your wedding will not take place at the courthouse on the same day. In this case, take a leap of faith. Don’t waste this opportunity by wondering, “What if?” » Say yes, wear this vintage ruby ring with joy and use the engagement period (short or long!) as a time when You – not those “from people telling you” – can dispel lingering doubts. Congratulations on getting the chance to experience an epic comeback story!
— I went to Oak Park
Back story: He’s not the same man he was when you were together. He has experienced a major change in his life (marriage) and is about to experience another (divorce). You’ve probably been going through your own changes and you’re not quite the same person anymore either.
You need to treat it like it’s someone new or like it’s a new relationship with an old friend you haven’t spent time with in years. Go back to dating and just hang out before making a decision about living together or getting married. Get to know yourself again. Additionally, if you haven’t dated other people since the initial breakup, consider insisting that the first two months of dating aren’t exclusive for the two of you. Talk it over with him and consider couples counseling. Also, no matter what happens in the short term, I suggest you pursue therapy alone. If he really wants to marry you, he will be willing to work on the relationship first and worry about the marriage later.
If he insists that the only options are to get married immediately after his divorce or not get back together at all, then what he’s looking for is a wife, any of them wife, and you are her easiest option.
Back story: There’s nothing wrong with taking a leap of faith, but it helps to know whether it’s your ego or your soul that’s encouraging you. Your ego just wants an immediate “win” that makes you look good; ideally now, so you don’t have to wait (or work) for it. Your soul wants what is best for you and is willing to work to get you there.
Time helps you tell the difference between your ego and your soul…so please do the adult thing and curb Eric’s impulsive train for everyone’s sake. If you’re meant to be, this time will ensure you lay a good foundation for the rest of your marriage. All marriages have conflicts and issues to resolve, so being patient with discomfort is a great way to build long-term resilience, which will help you grow as an individual and as a couple. Good luck on this journey, I support you all!
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
