The last time my SIL brought it up, I stopped her and told her that while her experiences were valid, she was my mother and she’s dead now, and I find it offensive to continue to hear about it. I validated his feelings and told him again how much I admired him.
At first she apologized, but apparently decided I was wrong. She is now very angry with me and says she prefers to resolve this problem in therapy. After trying to contact her, she told me she didn’t want to talk about it.
I care about her and love her and my brother and their children, but this upsets me. I feel like making me the bad guy here is gaslighting. What do you think?
Gaslighted? : I think it only qualifies as gaslighting if you actually believe you are the “bad guy”. You don’t believe it, because you don’t believe it. The only thing you could have done differently, I think, would be if you had changed your own wording in answering.
Instead of saying that your sister-in-law’s remarks about your mother were “offensive,” you could have said how it made you feel: for example, “Now that Mom is gone, I feel so sad to carry on.” to hear how horrible she was. You.”
I believe that telling the truth about abuse or toxic behavior by family members (even after their death) is valid and can be helpful, even if it brings up painful feelings. This can help people resolve the sometimes impossible duality of being the child of an abusive person.
Your mother treated people badly. And yet, she was still your mother. For your sister-in-law, talking about it in therapy (rather than with you) is exactly what she should be doing. A qualified therapist will help her figure out who the “bad guy” is and should get her to not punish you for your mother’s sins.
You have been extremely kind and gracious to her in the past, and I hope you continue. You also have every right to have fond memories of your mother; Looks like you’re lucky to have them.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are in our late teens and recently found out I was pregnant. We have a lot to deal with but we are doing our best to manage this situation that none of us really feel ready for. We both have big families and they support us.
We saw my boyfriend’s sister last weekend and she told me she wanted to accompany us to our doctor’s appointment so that when we find out the sex of our child she can then arrange a “gender reveal” party. (She is married and has one child.)
I know some parents do this, but I don’t think I want to do it. Should she come with us to the appointment? Should we let her do this?
Nervous: No – and no. You and the baby’s father should go to these appointments. If you want more support on a date, you can invite him or another family member, but this invitation should come from you, not the other way around.
Setting respectful boundaries can be a difficult task. But this is the beginning of your life as a parent, and you have the right and responsibility to develop good boundaries and good judgment about what you think is best for you and your child.
Dear Amy: “Wondering” asked if her husband should encourage his adult daughters to lose weight. I can tell you from experience that he should stay out of it. Why? It’s none of his business.
My father was obsessed with my weight my whole life and talked about it every time he saw me. After he died, I lost 40 pounds.
Survivor: Obesity is a disease that is extremely resistant to harassment.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
