Dear Amy: I am a 50-year-old divorced father of three wonderful daughters.
My previous marriage was not healthy. My wife had several things.
I am now in a very loving relationship with someone I love. My daughters love him and he is a great maternal figure. We have talked a lot about marriage. We rarely argue or disagree. Our relationship is fantastic.
The only thing that bothers me is texting and social media. She regularly receives text messages from a male colleague during evening and weekend hours. I firmly believe that this is inappropriate and unnecessary for communication between them outside of work.
She is a dedicated life partner, but why does it continue even after expressing my concerns?
At the start of our relationship, before we were fully engaged, she made a trip that was previously planned to visit a man with whom she was in a previous relationship. She was not completely open about it until she returned home. She said she didn’t think we were in a fully engaged relationship. I forgave her.
I think about getting involved, but I wonder why these behaviors persist. He is a very friendly and caring person, who can sometimes seem flirtatious.
Am I being unreasonable and insecure, or should I be worried?
– I was just wondering
I was just wondering: Your girlfriend is a “dedicated life partner”. Dedicated life partners can have friends outside of the partnership. These friendships should not be conducted in secret and should be openly recognized – and sometimes shared – with the family.
Friendship with this colleague precedes your relationship. As you go through the braiding process of your life together, you should meet up with friends and learn the background of these various friendships. Platonic friendships outside of the primary relationship are neither “inappropriate” nor “useless”. In fact, these friendships can demonstrate (as well as develop) a person’s capacity for other relationships.
Yes, texting and posting on social media during “time together” is distracting and rude to one’s partner. Perhaps as a couple (and family group), you can all agree on the parameters concerning the use of the telephone.
You have to differentiate between human instincts (when you just know in your bones that something is wrong) and the toxic trust issues perpetuated in your marriage and triggered by this working friendship. Discuss it tactfully with your partner, encourage them to be open and transparent about their friendships, and show interest in meeting all of their friends.
Dear Amy: Over the past year, my husband has come to believe that the conversation is about asking a lot of questions, even if they relate to details about a range of subjects that I probably cannot know.
The topics cover the whole range of information from news to details about my loved ones. It got worse over time. Sometimes our “conversations” are like interrogation. He doesn’t talk like that with others.
Recently, I returned home after driving seven hours to arrange assisted living for my mother – an emotionally exhausting experience.
Upon entering the house, I was faced with intense questions about the issues surrounding my mother’s trust and estate. I wanted to get back in the car and leave.
The next morning, I told him that his way of welcoming me at home was very diplomatic and that questioning someone intensely did not lead to conversation.
We are both 65, I am retired, he is partially retired, and we have no financial stress. I have no secrets from him and we trust each other completely.
Which give?
– Interrogates
Interrogates: It could be a sign of a cognitive problem, except that your husband doesn’t seem to do it with other people.
Arriving home after a stressful trip – not to a reception but to an interrogation – is not the best way for him to love you. Emphasize this during a quiet moment.
Encourage him to delve into his outer friendships – as it seems he is storing a lot of what he sees as “conversation triggers” for you. If it gets worse, he should have a medical exam.
Dear Amy: I was shocked by your response to “Annoyed”, the young mother whose mother-in-law born abroad constantly makes mistakes with her baby.
The reason why your answer shocked me is that you understood correctly.
“Annoyed” should perhaps take the opportunity to listen to a podcast while her mother-in-law is “goo-goo-gooshing”.
Thank you for encouraging this type of adult-baby communication.
– Shocked
Shocked: I accept your compliment in reverse – and thank you.
Dear Amy: I am a 50-year-old divorced father of three wonderful daughters.
My previous marriage was not healthy. My wife had several things.
I am now in a very loving relationship with someone I love. My daughters love him and he is a great maternal figure. We have talked a lot about marriage. We rarely argue or disagree. Our relationship is fantastic.
The only thing that bothers me is texting and social media. She regularly receives text messages from a male colleague during evening and weekend hours. I firmly believe that this is inappropriate and unnecessary for communication between them outside of work.
She is a dedicated life partner, but why does it continue even after expressing my concerns?
At the start of our relationship, before we were fully engaged, she made a trip that was previously planned to visit a man with whom she was in a previous relationship. She was not completely open about it until she returned home. She said she didn’t think we were in a fully engaged relationship. I forgave her.
I think about getting involved, but I wonder why these behaviors persist. He is a very friendly and caring person, who can sometimes seem flirtatious.
Am I being unreasonable and insecure, or should I be worried?
– I was just wondering
I was just wondering: Your girlfriend is a “dedicated life partner”. Dedicated life partners can have friends outside of the partnership. These friendships should not be conducted in secret and should be openly recognized – and sometimes shared – with the family.
Friendship with this colleague precedes your relationship. As you go through the braiding process of your life together, you should meet up with friends and learn the background of these various friendships. Platonic friendships outside of the primary relationship are neither “inappropriate” nor “useless”. In fact, these friendships can demonstrate (as well as develop) a person’s capacity for other relationships.
Yes, texting and posting on social media during “time together” is distracting and rude to one’s partner. Perhaps as a couple (and family group), you can all agree on the parameters concerning the use of the telephone.
You have to differentiate between human instincts (when you just know in your bones that something is wrong) and the toxic trust issues perpetuated in your marriage and triggered by this working friendship. Discuss it tactfully with your partner, encourage them to be open and transparent about their friendships, and show interest in meeting all of their friends.
Dear Amy: Over the past year, my husband has come to believe that the conversation is about asking a lot of questions, even if they relate to details about a range of subjects that I probably cannot know.
The topics cover the whole range of information from news to details about my loved ones. It got worse over time. Sometimes our “conversations” are like interrogation. He doesn’t talk like that with others.
Recently, I returned home after driving seven hours to arrange assisted living for my mother – an emotionally exhausting experience.
Upon entering the house, I was faced with intense questions about the issues surrounding my mother’s trust and estate. I wanted to get back in the car and leave.
The next morning, I told him that his way of welcoming me at home was very diplomatic and that questioning someone intensely did not lead to conversation.
We are both 65, I am retired, he is partially retired, and we have no financial stress. I have no secrets from him and we trust each other completely.
Which give?
– Interrogates
Interrogates: It could be a sign of a cognitive problem, except that your husband doesn’t seem to do it with other people.
Arriving home after a stressful trip – not to a reception but to an interrogation – is not the best way for him to love you. Emphasize this during a quiet moment.
Encourage him to delve into his outer friendships – as it seems he is storing a lot of what he sees as “conversation triggers” for you. If it gets worse, he should have a medical exam.
Dear Amy: I was shocked by your response to “Annoyed”, the young mother whose mother-in-law born abroad constantly makes mistakes with her baby.
The reason why your answer shocked me is that you understood correctly.
“Annoyed” should perhaps take the opportunity to listen to a podcast while her mother-in-law is “goo-goo-gooshing”.
Thank you for encouraging this type of adult-baby communication.
– Shocked
Shocked: I accept your compliment in reverse – and thank you.