During this pandemic, emotions run high. I’m particularly sick of these parents.
How do I approach this? It seems the parents are overly cautious and immature. Just rude. My husband says ignore, you only hear that from a 15 year old. However, I would like to send a note to parents to explain how hurtful they are. I’ve never been the type to keep my feelings inside. What do you think?
S .: I think the working definition of maturity includes knowing that there are times when the inside is exactly where your feelings belong.
Your daughter, who looks like a typical teenage girl with typical emotional volatility, needs you to deal with this better than she can.
This includes making him understand that these are stressful times for everyone; that people’s situations vary and that some families therefore have to be more strict than others; that understanding of covid-19 has evolved and the message is tainted with politics, so that even people with identical circumstances and risk tolerances may feel reasonable in drawing different conclusions; and that in general, not getting what we want can really hurt, but that doesn’t mean we always have to react.
In other words, what an upset teenager really needs from an adult in her life is sympathy and a cool head. Your husband understands this, it seems.
So: “I know it hurts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
And then: “But ‘this’ may not be exactly as you see it.” Her friend’s parents are probably like the rest of us, doing our best under extremely difficult conditions – trying to give their daughter some social relief when told that even this accommodation is not safe.
Your daughter needs to hear this reasoning from you to expand her understanding of what is possible beyond her reflective conclusions. There aren’t many benefits to a pandemic, but it’s a great opportunity for you to lead by example, teach it the almost magical benefits of considering multiple points of view and learning not to take. things personally unless there is no other choice.
If your account is correct, then your daughter knows only one thing for a fact, that only the one friend was allowed in the bubble of this family. Right? So that leaves him plenty of room to classify his exclusion not as a massive personal insult but rather as a bad break. Your daughter took the bad side of these parents’ need to be restrictive – as all of this girl’s friends have only one. never mind.
It’s always sad, someone is missing, missing something. It’s just not a targeted hit.
Please teach yourself this reasoning too: whenever there is even a molecule of opportunity not to take something personally, grab it. It alleviates insecurities, lengthens relationships, warms attitudes, opens minds and completely stifles drama.
It’s not even your drama to feed in the first place – but I’ll leave the boundary issue for another column.
When your daughter is feeling less raw, you can also discuss the inevitability of not being universally loved. Don’t validate the idea that these parents don’t like it – you don’t know, and that’s not helpful – but discuss the inevitability that someone will end up doing. She doesn’t like everyone she meets, does she? Good then. Works in both directions.
And so if she can get out of her feelings long enough to recognize 1. Not everyone is kind to someone; 2. Therefore, all people who live full and fulfilling lives do so among at least one relative / neighbor / colleague / acquaintance who does not like them; therefore, it is possible to live a full and fulfilling life after finding out that someone does not like you.
Parental Version: There is life after learning that someone isn’t impressed with your child.
If it ever gets to the point where someone crosses a line mistreat your child, and this is important enough to warrant intervention on their behalf, please, even then, do not “send a note to parents explaining how hurtful they are”, not without due diligence to clarify your facts (as far as you can). Interact calmly with people. Ask questions without presuming the answers. Test your daughter’s assumptions and your own before forming an opinion.
Take action because it’s responsible, not just because you’re upset.