Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I’m a little afraid of my girlfriend’s unplanned pregnancy. She planned to have an abortion, but she backed down. Now she says that she cannot go all the way and that she will have the baby and abandon her for adoption. I think all of this is due to the fact that her mom is working on her emotions. She should never have told her mother, and I’m secretly mad that she did. Even if they are very close, she should have kept that for herself.
I am not ready to be a father and I was very clear about this with my girlfriend. I’m afraid she will change her mind again and keep the baby and I will be stuck. She’s really emotional and confused right now, but all I can see is that she’s going to ruin our lives because her mom has stuck her nose where it didn’t belong.
How can I support my girlfriend during this pregnancy, what I want to do, while making it clear that I don’t agree with being a father? I’m going to pay child support for 18 years, but that’s all I’m willing to do. I’m not going to be the father of a child because we got drunk and had unprotected sex once. Do I have to put everything at stake now? Waiting to see if she abandons the baby seems too risky.
– Not ready to be a father
Not ready to be a father: Let’s see. You blame your girlfriend (“She should never have told her mom”).
You blame the mother (“all this is due to the fact that her mother works on her emotions”).
You blame your girlfriend again by projection (“she’ll ruin our lives”).
You blame alcohol (“we got drunk and had unprotected sex once”).
What is the part where you blame yourself for drinking too much and having sex that you weren’t ready for? Being ready means being ready for the consequences, including pregnancy.
Don’t put anything on the line with anyone before you look in the mirror and own it. Every bit of it. If all you want is to get out of it, then you’re going to do and say things that, with the benefit of maturity, time and perspective, will make you ashamed of the rest of your life.
You removed it from your system here with me, anonymously. Well. Now put yourself in the square and have your paternity. Not just fatherhood – fatherhood. You made the choices that brought you here, as did your girlfriend, and now you both have to work together to find what would provide the best possible outcome for everyone involved, possibly the baby included. That’s what good people do.
Re: Reluctant father: I agree, but also understand our society’s irrational responses to unplanned pregnancies. The mother may put unhealthy pressure on her so that she does not interrupt. He has every right to ask him to consider seeking advice from a more neutral source. Our society’s hostility to abortion leads to unwanted children. . . and decades of guilt in store for both parents, including fathers who conscientiously pay child support.
It will be easier for him if he realizes, however, that he cannot control what she is doing.
– Anonymous
Anonymous: A solid second on impartial advice for both of them, thank you.
Write to