When it’s just her and her father, she is extremely loving and will accept his help. When dad is away, the child talks about his father’s disappearance and love. For what it’s worth, our parenting styles are different. Mom gives lots of validation and cuddles when the child is upset; Dad often tries to teach lessons and show cause and effect. Both try to maintain boundaries, but Dad is probably more consistent.
It seems like it comes down to a toddler’s demand for control, but it makes us all unhappy. I thought it would be a phase, but it hasn’t changed in at least a year. What can we do differently? We hate it.
Dad versus daughter: Thank you for this letter; you are certainly not alone in having difficulty with a child who has a strong preference for one parent over another. And while this preference may be part of typical development, you begin to see what can happen when a little annoyance begins to turn into more problematic behaviors.
You experience two overlapping stages of development. First, your daughter has developed a preference for her mother because it is natural; 3-year-olds can’t have many deep attachments everything at once. Their brain is wired for one thing at a time: one big feeling, one main attachment, etc. This doesn’t mean they aren’t attached to others, it just takes time for them to get used to it – for some children it takes longer than others – and “move on” to that person. This is why a 2 year old may cling to his mother for a while, then slowly warm up to his father or grandparents over time. This usually passes as the child gets older and can feel safe around more people more quickly. Second, 3 is a period of intense growth as well as flashes of strong individuation. This may seem like “sauliness” or bad behavior, but it is a healthy will that is emerging. This developmental stage also calls for the parent to set firm, friendly boundaries, which brings us to your situation.
You mention that when difficulties escalate, “it’s just easier for Mom to take care of herself to keep the peace.” Believe me, I understand. You have places to go and things to do, and you can’t spend all your waking hours getting a 3-year-old to cooperate with her father. However, every time Mom gives in to her daughter’s tantrums, harsh words, or slammed doors, she has unintentionally made this behavior worse.
I’m not suggesting fighting this battle 24/7, but to see more cooperation, Mom needs to lay low when Dad is doing the parenting. Resist rescuing, rescuing, and intervening because it undermines Dad’s authority and wrongly gives your daughter the power to take the lead.
When you say, “Daddy often tries to teach lessons and show cause and effect,” is that code for “Daddy punishes and shames the child for bad behavior”? Does he use spanking, shouting, threats to take something away, and harsh tones and volumes? If the 3-year-old is experiencing initial feelings of shame around Dad, she may be even more reluctant to spend time with him (even though she still loves him and misses him when he’s gone).
Maintaining boundaries has little to do with punishment or cuddling; it has everything to do with allowing and welcoming your child’s big feelings while they work through their frustration and anger. Maintaining boundaries when your children are young is also just a parent’s job. What are You ready to stop doing? What are you willing to commit to changing? A preschooler is too immature to be responsible for creating and maintaining the boundary, although he is quite capable of changing quickly.
I invite you both to look at your boundaries: what boundaries do you hold and when? What are appropriate boundaries for this age and what is appropriate communication for this age? Three-year-olds learn through play, repetition, routine, and other sensory cues. For example, if Dad takes over at bedtime and the limit is that Mom won’t take over when the crying starts, the room pretends to be an animal getting ready for bed, the visuals will be a small bedtime chart that you will create with stickers. The boundary Dad will keep doesn’t rely on logic, consequences, or learning lessons to get through the night. As you repeat this routine, the 3-year-old quickly learns that this is the new method and adapts. If Dad takes care not to be unnecessarily harsh, your daughter will appreciate this change more quickly.
Whether you pick up a few books (I recommend Janet Lansbury, Deborah MacNamara, or my book) or hire a parenting coach, developing this dynamic will have immediate effects and help you reframe your child’s behavioral needs. You’re stuck in a pattern, but you can get out of it pretty quickly with a little persistence, patience, and compassion. Good luck.
