If you are not sure of your direction, get off the train
A college student wrote to Carolyn in 2014 after being accepted into the perfect top school with a job pending after graduation. Only problem: they wanted to take a “very different route” now and were afraid of disappointing everyone around them by changing at the 11th hour.
Here’s what Carolyn said:
It might be time for a year or three. As in, out of a defined path – which can range from paid work in a resort area at the Peace Corps to internment for a pet cause or whatever your imagination and finances allow.
Some schools prefer students to postpone enrollment and return fully engaged rather than entering immediately to run out, so see if that’s possible. Also visit your school’s career counseling office. Find space to breathe. You have reached adulthood without seriously questioning the notion of a child who you are. I’m clearly biased, but I think the decisions you make after trying different types of lives are better than the decisions you make from a linear path.
In an unsatisfactory job? Set a deadline and get to work.
A reader in the early 1930s had created a life around a well-paying job, but was still “so bored and demotivated”. They wrote to Carolyn in 2015 because they were thinking about a career change. It was too late? What could happen if the reader ended up on the other side and was still not satisfied?
Here’s what Carolyn said:
Why don’t you give yourself a deadline – a year, let’s say – to find a more rewarding job, even if it’s just in a new department? In that year, you:
● Save every penny you can. Hurry up bad debt (car), cut luxury spending and stay local in your free time. Restructure your lifestyle both to recover some of this money and to get used to living on less, so that you are ready if and when a career change is accompanied by a reduction in salary.
● Do your homework. Chat with a career expert (start by calling your school’s career office) to get new ideas, and think macro – “What have I always enjoyed and been good at?” – and micro – “What changes can I make right now to improve my working day?” Sometimes small adjustments can make a big difference.
The same goes for how you spend your time outside of work. Not everyone has a passionate professional life. Barely. More often than not, people make enough sense of life around their work to agree on what they need to do to support it.
I have doubts, I must say in the interest of full disclosure, that passions can be found during methodical research. Instead, I think it’s just about making the best choices for you at every opportunity, and being open to what it leads you to.
Your family does not need to support your career choices. . .
A teacher quit his career to care for a son who “needed a lot of medical care” but hoped to return when he no longer needed constant attention. But over the years, their husbands and parents have become dependent on them as the primary caregivers. The reader asked Carolyn in 2016 for advice on changing roles given the family’s lack of support.
Here’s what Carolyn said:
You remind your husband that you never wanted this arrangement to be permanent, and kindly tell him that you are applying to teach next fall – because you will not stay in a role that does not suit you simply because people got comfortable with you in it.
You mentally tell everyone else with an opinion about your worth to stuff that opinion in a dark and distant place.
And you find out that you can actually succeed professionally without the support of your family.
Support is a nice thing to have – and to give, so don’t get me started on people who think they have the right to refuse it because they would rather wait for you than do a job that satisfies you. But support is not necessary.
The list of necessities for your professional success is short: you must be qualified, apply, hired and do your job well.
Good for you for giving your son what he needed and congratulations on doing your full-time babysitting job so well that people have completely embraced you. Resuming your old career will not fail or displace anyone; you just take the same selflessness, warmth and skill where your heart says you must go, as you have the right to do.
. . . Just make sure you understand how your choices will affect your family.
With a baby on the way, a reader wanted to apply for law school, but his wife was worried about giving up a stable income for “loans and instability.” The reader asked Carolyn in 2012 if “the beginning of fatherhood” really marks the end of decision-making based on what makes him happy.
Here’s what Carolyn said:
Have you read your own question? And you see how it makes you whine and self-absorbed?
No, the beginning of fatherhood does not mark the end of your chance for happiness. It is the end, however, of your pursuit of happiness regardless of how your choices affect your family.
In fact, this whole jig of me-me-me was with “I do”, but apparently your wife did not hold you or was not as dependent on your stability as she is about to be . She may have assumed that you would “settle”; his error, if it is true.
So, some suggestions for making selfless but personally wise decisions.
1. Think more about your agitation. Since you have also become “obsessive”, there may be a diagnosable third party here, perhaps attention deficit or obsessive-compulsive disorder, or the like. Get tested; chadd.org is a good place to start. Also consider that your restlessness is as much an emotional habit as a professional habit. When things get tough, the tough guys aren’t looking for immediate gratification. Not as eye-catching, but I like it better.
2. Treat your wife like your teammate, not an adversary. Reflect together on careers that offer stability and stimulation.
If you blame your wife or child for restricting your professional style, you are more likely to need a lawyer than to become one. You made these choices and produced a dependent – so you signed up to place your child’s needs above yours and your wife’s needs equal to yours.
“Equal”, for what it’s worth, doesn’t mean it keeps your ambition in a jar. This means that you find a way to scratch your career itch that isn’t just about you.
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