Hello, my name is REMOVED FOR SECURITY REASONS and I am honored to share with you my 100% honest review of pop icon Taylor Swift’s latest album, “The Tortured Poets Department.”
Before we get into the review, I’d like to address the rumors that critics like me are afraid to review (Queen) Swift’s incredible music. These slanderous allegations suggest that we are concerned that negative reviews will cause Swift’s devoted (and wonderful) fans to come after us online and saying mean things over and over again until we collapse into puddles of rightfully mocked criticism.
This is absurd, because there have already been (extremely stupid) less-than-stellar reviews of Swift’s new album from people who have mysteriously disappeared from public view. Additionally, many media outlets no longer have time to criticize Taylor Swift because they have taken to writing to find out if people are tired of reading so much about Taylor Swift.
But I digress.
Enjoy my totally useless review of the “Department of Tortured Poets”
As an established reviewer for PUBLICATION NAME REMOVED FOR SECURITY REASONS, I don’t think music reviews are of real importance to the world. Who cares what a writer like me thinks about music? If you like an album, listen to it; if it doesn’t, don’t listen to it. I shouldn’t take this decision into account.
Anyway, here’s my completely worthless review of “The Tortured Poets Department”, which I love and would literally die for, as well as my review of Swift’s next album, which hasn’t been announced yet .
With the release of her highly anticipated “The Tortured Poets Department,” superstar Taylor Swift has definitely released another album. It includes songs – 31 of them! – and they’re all very good, provided you like them, which I certainly do.
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If you don’t like them, it doesn’t matter, you can just keep quiet because no one really cares what you think. Music is meant to be enjoyed, and some people enjoy certain sounds and words while others enjoy other types of sounds and words, and some people don’t like any words at all, just sounds.
It is a free country. Dig what you dig.
Swift’s words and sounds on this new album, as on previous albums, are good, important and meaningful to the people who love her and also love her mouth sounds and the music that accompanies her. That’s great. Liking music is a good thing, so maybe just enjoy it and not make a big deal out of an artist’s album if it’s not exactly what you wanted it to be.
Some people like Nickelback. It’s their damn business, not yours. Damn it.
Maybe music is subjective and Swift’s music is great for those who love her.
Perhaps the most powerful aspect of Swift’s new album is its ability to completely drown people in whirlwinds of overanalysis when maybe, just maybe, people should listen to it and think, ” Yeah, it’s really good, I like it” or “Hmmm, not exactly my bag, I’ll wear Nickelback” and then move on with their lives.
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Billions of people love Swift and her music, and I think that’s cool, because people deserve to like things, and if the lyrics make them happy, sad, or emotional, YAY! This is a good thing.
Also, if I say that the album is incredible because I’m a little afraid that its fans will attack me, that’s a mistake, I don’t want to be right, because in that case, having reason could be super humiliating and difficult.
Do I like “The Department of Tortured Poets”? Of course. But who cares ?
So I’m going to say “this album marks a high point in Swift’s career and will resonate deeply with her fans for years to come”, because it’s probably true and, ultimately, who gives a damn what I think?
Swift is a very popular billionaire, and I’m not. Dashboard.
As for his next album, it will be just as fantastic, if not better, because… well, you know.
Just like what you like, people. Who am I to say otherwise?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must join my media colleagues in the quest to determine who is responsible for spreading so much information about Taylor Swift.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
