People’s lives are full of more or less permanent relationships. Friendships come and go, spouses, who usually come into adulthood, are not always forever, and parents eventually die. But it is the relationship between siblings that is usually the most enduring – there early and long after the parents have left. It is also one of the most important things in life.
Research shows that the sibling relationship is crucial for emotional well-being. Harvard study on adult development shows that close relationship with sibling during college is most reliable indicator of emotional health at age 65 – more influential than closeness to childhood with parents, parental divorce, marriages and career.
But what makes a healthy sibling relationship? How do you define being “close”? And what if you’re not?
“A healthy sibling relationship, like any strong friendship, is characterized by love, respect, concern, consistency and reciprocity,” said Fern Schumer Chapman, author of “Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation ”. “Siblings should expect conflict, but in a healthy relationship they are confident that there will be redress and forgiveness.”
Research into sibling support and closeness is associated with less loneliness, lower levels of depression, and greater life satisfaction, Chapman said. Yet her research shows that a third of people describe their sibling relationship as hurtful or strained, even though many do not talk about it.
Close sibling relationships provide a shared family history that is revisited and validated.
“A lot of times it’s a situation where a person says, ‘I’ve been through this too. I remember this particular phase in our family, ”said Ali-John Chaudhary, a psychotherapist who runs the Sibling Estrangement website. “It can also give you different perspectives and variety for a shared experience. “
Healthy sibling relationships are facilitated by parents who create a culture of respect and open communication. If a parent sees a power struggle, they step in and try to foster a sense of cooperation and inclusion. Parents promote healthy sibling relationships by giving their children conflict resolution skills. No sibling is favored and children are not compared in terms of behavior, intellect or appearance.
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When children become adults, they need to set aside time to nurture sibling relationships on their own. The need to approach your brother or sister with curiosity, especially when there are personality differences.
“It’s really about… a feeling of respect for each other, making room for each other, which would foster that feeling of emotional intimacy,” Chaudhary said. “Once you get to know your brother, you find out what their interests are, you find out what motivates them, you start to identify what matters to them, then it becomes a give-and-take relationship.”
Several factors can lead to the deterioration of a sibling relationship.
A large age gap between children can prevent siblings from having shared experiences, an important part of the bond. Family trauma, political differences of opinion, as well as substance abuse and mental health issues can also challenge sibling relationships. Breakups can also occur when a brother or sister breaks with family identity, such as marrying someone the family does not approve of.
Chapman points the finger at Prince Harry, who admits his relationship with his brother Prince William has drifted apart.
“The brothers both lived through the death of his mother, which is a deeply traumatic event. A second risk factor is parental favoritism, and the monarchy presents the height of favoritism, as William is going to become king, and Harry will always be. relegated to a supporting role. The monarchy is also notoriously bad at solving personal problems.… And Harry married well outside of family identity. “
Since sibling relationships are among the most enduring in life, experts say they will grow and decline over the decades.
“There will come times when you’re a lot closer and you’re a lot less intimate,” Chapman said.
In his memoir, Chapman wrote of his brother, noting that “like all siblings, Scott and I are sometimes drawn to each other, and other times we both need
distance. A brotherly relationship is a kind of living organism that is constantly changing. “
Chapman said there are times when a sibling relationship is particularly vulnerable, especially when family members redefine their roles. This can happen during adolescence, when new limits are set. Anytime a sibling creates a new identity – when they leave for college or for a new job, there is a risk of a breakup. When her brother went to college, Chapman said there was a deep sense of abandonment that haunted her.
Marriage is also a risk factor for sibling tension. A new sibling or sister-in-law may want to limit or control the couple’s involvement with one side of the family.
The birth of a baby can also be difficult. One sibling begins to focus on their new or new family, and the other sibling may feel abandoned or betrayed. There are also instances where siblings begin to compete with each other through their children, especially for the affection of grandparents.
The illness or death of a parent, especially when inheritance is at stake, is also a time for conflict, with siblings competing for money, power, or love.
When two siblings separate, especially when one still wants a relationship, Chaudhary says it can lead to grief.
For 40 years, Chapman had almost no relationship with his brother. She would see him across the room at a funeral and feel like she was looking at a stranger. It got so bad that she wasn’t sure she recognized him on the street.
“It is a particularly painful experience,” she said. “It’s not like a death, where there is no negotiation. In this case, you have a situation where someone who you thought was in a lifelong lasting relationship made a choice, even though he’s still walking the earth, having nothing to do with you is fundamental avoidance.
Some sibling relationships are too toxic to fix, and others will need to be kept limited. Dealing with a difficult sibling can mean setting firm boundaries. For separated siblings, reconciliation is only possible if all family members feel safe and there is no risk of abuse or further trauma.
Chapman said early conversations during reconciliation are best facilitated by a therapist. Siblings will need to listen without interrupting or questioning each other’s stories, empathically acknowledging the hurt or alienation of the other person, and letting go of the anger.
Sibling relationships are among the most important for emotional well-being, but they are also among the most complex. These relationships are characterized by a constant push and pull between warmth and animosity, rivalry and friendship. The divisions between them can be the most painful, and the intimacy within them can be the most rewarding.
“This person knows your family history, the memories you may have lived, the things you may have forgotten. He is someone who knows what you have been through. stay after the parents are gone, ”Chaudhary says. “It’s a relationship that we can ideally live, and if we can’t, then it’s important to make decisions based on what we think is nurturing and stimulating for us.”
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